18 Weeks

This Wednesday I hit 18 weeks.  This means I am halfway through my pregnancy now since we will look at delivering the baby at 36 weeks if the lungs are ready.  It's amazing to think I am halfway there already!  I could have only hoped to make it this far and yet after my perinatologist appointment yesterday I know I'll make it even farther!

My appointment yesterday went very well.  The baby is measuring exactly where it should and the in depth scan showed no defects, no problems, and a tiny baby with all it's fingers, toes, heart chambers, etc.  I had been worried because I had felt no movement for days and had begun thinking the worst.  Then on Wednesday I felt a tiny kick and felt a little reassured.  But Thursday's appointment truly helped calm my fears as we saw our little one sitting snuggly in my uterus, heart beating, and moving around just as we had hoped.

 

We also found out that this little one is a boy!  I am nervous about that since I have shown a history of trouble carrying boys but with this little one he seems to be doing so good already that I'm hopeful that he will get here safely!  I'm also a little worried to have two back to back boys! We've never had boys this close together.  Depending on when he arrives he and Jake will be close to being Irish Twins.  Caroline and Madison are Irish Twins and if they are any indication of what Jake and a little partner in crime might be like, I think we are in trouble!  Still, it will be neat to experience boys who are close together.  Poor Garrett had to wait 11 years before finally getting a brother.  Ben then had to wait almost 6 years to get a younger brother.  Both Garrett and Ben are very excited that there will be another boy in the house.  Jake, well, he's too little to even understand that his world will be changing in a matter of months. 

 

I spoke with the doctor about our troubles finding a new OB, he was amazed that the practice would release me over my issues.  He said he will find someone who can take me on.  I'm hopeful that with his recommendation we will find a capable OB once again.  Still, it's scary to think that if something happens, right now I have no one to turn to.  This past week when I had no movement from the baby I would have loved to been able to go and have a quick ultrasound at the OBs office but I couldn't.  I was left to either go to the ER or wait it out until my appointment yesterday.  I'm happy that it turned out ok but what if it hadn't? 

 

Please continue to pray for us.  We have so many people trying to help us find a new doctor that will be perfect for our situation.  It's amazing how much we are able to endure when we must.  This cross has been so heavy and it seems like we get more and more put on our shoulders.  Still, through faith and reliance on those who have decided to help us carry this cross, we are making our way.  It's a slow, painful journey, but we are getting there.  Yesterday, seeing my little boy sitting so peacefully in my womb, I felt a renewed hope and joy.  I know that God never abandons us but it sure is nice when He gives us a little glimpse of the heaven that awaits us.  Yestereday I saw a bit of that heaven on the ultrasound screen.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  I am so very thankful that God trusts me enough to share it with me. 



Frustration Times 100

This past Thursday I had my next OB appointment.  I had been instructed to see a particular OB in the practice because he may be willing to really listen to my concerns and truly hear me out.  I am pretty sure when he walked in the room he already has his mind made up about telling me that I had to find a new provider.  To be honest, while it hurt my feelings to be let go, I'm sure in the end it's what needs to happen.  I say this based on the conversation that I had with this particular doctor.

I probably should have seen the warning signs at the very beginning of my appointment when he hopped up on the counter and patted my extremely thick file and said, "Well, I haven't really had time to read much of this.  When I first saw it I was like, 'Shit! That's a lot!"  Any doctor who thinks it's ok to speak to a patient that way is clearly not respectful of that patient.  I assume he was just trying to be honest but he really could have chosen a better way to phrase his astonishment at the size of my file.  When he proceeded on in the conversation to tell me that I was a "shit storm waiting to happen", well, I should have just stood up and left at that moment.  Still, I stayed and heard him out. 

I do understand that perhaps my situation is more than they feel they can handle but he also went on to tell me that he worried about whether or not I would be "reasonable" when it came time for my care and if they needed to deliver the baby early.  He gave an example of what if they wanted to deliver the baby at 30 weeks, would I allow them to do so?  I said that of course I would if they thought that was in the best interest of both the baby and myself.  I believe that because I am continuing on with the pregnancy after one of the doctors there told me that it was not in my best interest to do so they feel like I won't listen when it comes time to make hard decisions about my health and the baby's health, especially for delivering early.  I think what they fail to see is that at 30 weeks, or 26 weeks or any time after viability comes I have given my baby a chance at life.  To abort a baby is different than to give that child time inside to grow as much as possible and then delivering him/her even knowing that highly specialized care may be needed afterward.  There is a huge difference and if by not aborting my baby means that I am not reasonable, well then, I guess I'm not reasonable.

The doctor told me that they couldn't in good conscious keep me on as a patient.  He said he wanted no regrets... both from a personal and a legal standpoint.  I suppose I understand that decision but when I asked who they suggested I go to instead they had no idea where I should go.  They gave me no referrals, no phone numbers, no inkling of where to turn.  I think that is one of the things that bothered me most... you knew you were going to release me and yet you have no referral for me to call so that I can have continued care.  It's mind boggling.  What am I supposed to do?  How can you leave me like that with no idea of who to trust or who to take care of not only me but my baby as well?

There are so many people at that office that I will miss... many of them have become like family to me over the 15 years I have gone to them.  Still, this is inexcusible and just wrong.  As much as I will miss those people I know that God must believe that my life will not be in the best hands if I stay at that practice.  I can only hope and pray that He leads me to the right people who can truly care for not only my needs but my baby's as well. 

This is definitely an added stress I didn't need.  I haven't written about the past couple weeks because they have been some of the most difficult times I've ever had to deal with.  Besides the doctor problems I have had to endure attacks on my family, people judging us and talking about us behind our backs, and just the plain lonliness of not being able to truly confide in those here, who I used to feel confident talking to, about how I feel about everything, both physically and emotionally.  I am thankful for the few friends I have that I can turn to but I also don't want to be a burden either.

We knew there was going to be a tremendous amount of fallout from this decision, I hadn't expected it in the places we've received it though.  I suppose that's what's making this so hard.  My heart hurts so much right now.  I'm praying that we can move past the hurts that many people have made us feel.  I know I stand a greater chance at being able to move forward than Mike does.  He is so very angry right now at those who have hurt me, even if they were not trying to.  I'm walking a line between helping him understand while still trying to understand myself.  It's a difficult task to say the least.  Still, I know that forgiveness and love are what I need to have (but that's so much easier to say than to do sometimes).

This cross is so heavy.  I know that in suffering we can find a deeper relationship with Christ, especially when we join our sufferings to His.  I'm trying to offer up this pain for others who need the graces.  Still, some days it's all I can do to withstand the weight of the cross.  I'm trusting that God will continue to send me the right people to help me carry it.  I always have to remind myself that Jesus himself needed help in carrying His cross so it stands to reason that I will need help with mine. 

Please say a prayer that God will send the right provider to care for me and our baby and that God will send the right people to help me with this cross.  I pray that while others help me carry mine that I am able to help carry their cross as well.

Black Friday

Last night Mike and I did something we never do.  We decided to risk going out on Thanksgiving evening to see if we could get a gift for one of our kids that was advertised at Walmart.  I was adamantly against going, especially on Thanksgiving, for several reasons.  The first had to do with the fact that we would be reinforcing Walmart's (and so many other retailors') idea that as consumers we HAVE to have that special something right away and that we were willing to leave our family and come to the store to get that gift.  I think it's sad that as a society we can't put a hold on our wants for just one day and allow the workers of all the retail shops to be at home with their own families.  The second reason had to do with the fact that we just don't do Black Friday (or Thursday as the case may be) shopping... I hate the crowds.  I hate the chaos.  I hate everything to do with the experience. 

However, because we have a very limited income and thus limited amount of money to spend on Christmas presents for our 10 children, we decided that this once we would brave the crowds and try to get this one gift.  It was afterall, only offered for a limited time, in a limited amount, and it was nearly half price.  There was no way we could afford this item at regular price and it's something we really want to give one of our children.  It isn't just a "thing" but it's an item that can also provide skills that can be used later on.  (I have to speak without saying the item because my children have this website bookmarked and may read this!)

So, we left out and went to Walmart.  The parking lot was completely full.  We ended up parking at a bank across the lot and had to walk the entire length of the parking lot to even get in the store.  We were able to get a buggy and decided to see if we could find where this item might be.  The store was insane.  It was packed with so many people wanting to get great deals too.  They were milling about, most standing near whatever item they most wanted, waiting for the employees to take the plastic wrap off the bundles of goods at 8 pm.  They were anxious and getting loud. 

We found the item we wanted and stood in the aisle next to it.  Mike ended up being right, there weren't may people there for the item we wanted and truly we didn't need to face that crowd to get one.  We didn't know that ahead of time though so it was still good that we went.

At around 7:45 pm the employees began trying to unwrap the plastic off the bundles, telling the people not to put anything in their buggies until 8pm.  People were starting to get loud, starting to push foward so they could get as near as possible to the flats of goods that they were interested in.  In a mere 5 minutes pandemonium broke out.  One person decided that they would indeed get a hold of some of those items and began putting them in their buggy.  That fired up all the others who also began grabbing and snatching and throwing as many items in their buggies as possible.  We were thankful to be in a side aisle, safe from the craziness, but we could still see it clearly.

As the people became even more frenzied we were shocked to see how people were grabbing far more than they ever could need of the items in the middle of the main aisles on the pallets.  They were so greedy and aggressive.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  We don't typically ever go to shop on days like this so this was a real eye-opener for me. 

 

 

I stood back so that I couldn't see anymore.  I couldn't watch all those people, arms full with things they probably didn't truly need, treating others so terribly for another second.  Before I knew it I felt tears sliding down my cheeks.  I wiped them away quickly, hoping no one would see, feeling silly of my reaction to these people I didn't even know.  Mike came over to me and asked me what was wrong.  I could barely speak the words.  Finally, still crying and voice wavering, I said, "I just don't understand.  All this greed.  All this hate.  All this horrible behavior over things.  Why do people act this way?"  It broke my heart to see how inhumane these people were behaving.  I just couldn't wrap my head or my heart around it.

 

We waited for 8pm to come and then put the item in our buggy that we were there for.  There weren't many people who came for this practical gift so there wasn't anyone fighting over what we wanted.   Had there been we would have walked away.  It wasn't that important that we have the item even though it was an incredible price and something that our child has been asking to have for years.  After we got out of our aisle we weaved our way through the crowds.  We waited in line for what seemed like years.  Upon checking out I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal and my heart feeling a little better.  Mike and I agreed that we couldn't do that again. 

 

We see news stories about crime being on the rise, about people going hungry, people dying, war throughout the world and problems within our societies regarding race, religion, and gender.  I hear so many people complain about how horrible the world is and how something needs to give.  I wonder how many of those people were out on Black Thursday or Friday fighting for material goods to save $5 here or $10 there.  We need to wake up and see that the problems with the world start at a very basic level... how we live and treat one another in our own little worlds.  When we fail to respect and see the importance of each and every person, when we belittle and treat others poorly, when we say rude and ugly things to each other it's no wonder that our world at large is in the shape it is.  If we were to make the changes in ourselves and vow to treat others the way we want to be treated (and actually follow through with it!) we would see the beginnings of change.  If we don't make these small changes how can we expect to see big changes? 

 

I cried tears for all of us last night.  I saw the worst behavior in people and it scared me.  It made me sad for all of us.  Here we should be treating each other the way Christ treated everyone and yet I saw people fighting over material things.  The greed and comsumerism was overwhelming.  How have we gotten to a point where things are more important than people or more important than our self-respect?  I pray that I can instill in my children manners, respect, and the belief that there is nothing material out there that is more important that the people that we come in contact with or that are close to us.  Material things fade away... they don't last forever.  The way we treat others, the way we love them and show them respect, that lasts forever. 

I can see why it is called Black Friday.  It's not because stores often find themselves finally in the "black" but because it often brings many good people to a dark side that they should never venture to.  It brings out the black in people's hearts and in their behavior.  It is so sad for all of us.  I pray that one day our society wakes up and sees what kind of damage it is enduring by allowing consumerism and greed to rule our lives.  When we finally see this we can finally begin making changes to reverse those effects on our society.  

Coming Out

Yesterday was a "coming out" of sorts for us.  We announced that I am pregnant and what it might mean for our family.  It was hard to do.  I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but I also wanted to make sure that when people heard we were pregnant that they didn't think we did this on purpose or had been irresponsible or something of that nature. 

I posted a story I had written back on September 19th, just days after I found out that I was pregnant, on the Catholic Sistas website... a Catholic blog where I am a regular contributor.  If you'd like to read it you can do so here: No Greater Love Than This.  It published yesterday for all the world to read.  At the same time I put out an email to family and friends about my pregnancy.  I wanted to give people the time and space to deal with the news in whatever way they needed before contacting us.  It was to help protect both them and us emotionally.  I linked up my story at the Catholic Sistas website so that if they wanted to read further they could. 

Next I posted the link on my Facebook account and to the groups I belong to there.  I decided that I wanted everyone to know our story and that the more people who know, the more people to possibly be praying for our family.  I was not disappointed in the number of prayers that people offered for us and for our baby!  To say I felt a certain peace is an understatement. 

I can say that I was disappointed that more of our family did not respond at all.  I know that they are taking in the news and trying to process it but to be honest my feelings were hurt to not have that "we are praying for you" from some of those that are closest to us.  I'm trying not to let that bother me but even though I try, it still does.  I suppose that, even at 40 year old, I still want and need that affirmation from those I love.  To know that they support us in our decisions is huge.  However, I have to say that the few family members that did contact us absolutely helped us through a difficult day.  Their acceptance and prayers for us mean more than I could ever tell them.  I'm praying that the rest will find their way to believing in us and our decision to allow God to guide our lives. 

It's always uncomfortable for me to announce a pregnancy. Not because we aren't happy but because we know we will face certain judgments but also because I truly hate to be in the spotlight.   I dislike people talking about us or fawning over us.  I hate to be the topic of conversation and often try to direct the talk to something different.  I'm just not comfortable with talking about me or having others focus on our family.   This time, though, I truly felt led to allow that focus to be on us, on me.  I feel like we have been presented with this situation because God trusts us to spread His love and His desires to others.  The sanctity of life has always been a huge passion of mine.  Here I have an opportunity to put my faith into action.  God is amazing with His ways! 

I fail so very often in my life... my life as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend and as a follower of Christ.  I fail over and over again.  Still, God continues to trust me, to forgive me, and to give me opportunities to succeed.  I can only hope that I will succeed in my efforts to proclaim the sanctity of all life now in this trial.  I know that I am going to have to depend fully on Him.  The prayers that we are receiving will help me stay focused on what God is calling us to do.  I pray that He works through this pregnancy to bring others to Him and to understand the importance of all life. 

Ups and Downs

Today was a day of ups and downs.  I saw a new perinatologist today.  I like him.  He had been highly recommended for many years but I had just continued to go to the one I had seen before.  Afterall, the previous doctor knew about Porphyria, a disease I suffer from, and that was a rarity.  I hated to leave him because of this fact.  But, he had a way of saying inappropriate things and while I loved his staff I thought it might be time to change. 

I had gone to another perinatologist for my first appointment and really loved him but unfortunately there was going to be insurance issues.  This doctor I saw today was one that Lynn  had suggested to me for years so I have him a try.  I wasn't disappointed.  He was very thorough, and what he didn't know about he said he would research.  He was engaging and kind and seemed like he was truly interested in what was going on in my world.  He also didn't try to scare me.  I appreciated that so much.

At my appointment today I had an ultrasound.  Our little baby was sitting snuggly inside.  At first he/she seemed to be dancing!  It was fun to watch as she took measurements of everything else.  As she focused on the baby he/she settled down and let her get all the measurements she needed.  We even saw the baby sucking it's thumb!  Precious couldn't describe it!  I cried the entire way through the ultrasound.  I just can't get over the fact that this little baby is doing well inside of my damaged uterus.... a uterus that shouldn't be able to hold another baby ever and yet here one grows!  It's very humbling to say the least.

Everything looked absolutely perfect on the baby.  The heartrate was 154.  To watch that tiny heart just beating away is amazing.  We had the nuchal fold test done and that was perfect as well.  The heart structures at this point look great and we'll see more next time.  For the moment this baby is doing so well.  I can only pray that my body will do it's job and hold this little one safely.  It would crush me if the only reason this baby lost it's life is because my body failed it.  I'm trying to focus on the positive though and not think about those sorts of things. 

The down part of the day was right before I walked out the door for my appointment.  The mailman came and had a certified letter for me to sign.  I had no clue what it could be.  As I opened it I could see it was from my OB's office.  It was an official letter telling me that they did not want to take me on through this pregnancy as I am too high risk.  The letter told me that continuing on with this pregnancy "threatens your life and the life of your baby".  My heart sank reading the words in the letter.  I cried. 

I immediately called the office and asked for Lynn to call me back.  We had just talked about me seeing one of the other doctors for a chance to stay there.  I needed to know what she thought I should do... do I keep that appointment and try to plead my case or do I just try to find someone else?  I didn't get a call back yet.  My next appointment there will fall before the 30 days they have given me to find a new provider.  I'm so lost.  I have no idea what I am going to do. 

Thankfully I received that letter before my appointment.  I say this because while at my appointment and watching my tiny baby on the screen I knew that in the end if I have to find another OB that it will be ok.  I prefer to stay with Lynn but if I can't then we'll find someone else.  The most important thing to keep my eye on is the end result... that both my baby and I are safe.  If we have to insure that elsewhere then I trust God to lead us to someone who can provide the care we need and deserve.  It's just so frustrating at times, especially given all that we've gone through. 

I have prayed hundreds and hundreds of prayers this pregnancy... prayers for my baby's safety, prayers for my safety, prayers for my family, prayers for the right providers, prayers to be pregnant just one more day, prayers of thanks for this opportunity to carry God's most precious gift.  Today I pray that I can accept all that goes on during this pregnancy and that I can trust God to lead us to those who we need in our lives to insure the safety of our baby and of myself.  I have told God over and over again that I will give my life no questions asked for this child but I have also prayed that if it is His will that He allows us both to make it through this pregnancy.  Above all, I pray for God's will in my life.  I know He has us firmly in His hands.  I just need to remember to trust Him completely and know that regardless of what happens with doctors, with family and friends when we announce this pregnancy, and ultimately what happens with our survival that God is in control, just as He should be.

Worth It All

Today has been a bad day all the way around.  I'm feeling very stressed and worried.  I will be announcing this pregnancy soon and I am worried about the things people are going to be saying, both to our faces and behind our backs.  I know people talk about our family already, even though our kids are amazing children and our family is very respectful of others.  Still, we are an oddity, probably not as odd as most think as I'm sure there are other families out there with this many children, but to most we are the only family like this that they know. 

Thinking about those comments has me worked up.  My kids are feeding off of that and are wild and crazy right now.  The extra noise, mess, and arguments are about to push me over the edge.  I took a time out today for myself and just stayed away from everyone.  I figured if they didn't see my anxious mood then they wouldn't feed off of it. 

I was asked why I felt I need to announce my pregnancy and that is a good question.  I guess really it's no one's business as to whether or not I'm pregnant now and the ins and outs of it all.  Still, I feel like I need to live my faith proudly and my faith tells me that every life is sacred, every life needs to be celebrated, and every life needs to be protected.  If I can help people understand that this pregnancy is that important to us not only as a family but as a faithful Catholic then I feel like I have to make that known.

If something happens to this baby I want to make sure that everyone knew this baby lived.  That he/she was wanted and cherished and loved so much that I was willing to risk everything for him/her.  If I don't make it through I want everyone to know why it was so important for me to try to bring this little one into the world.  I want people to stop and look at their lives and their priorities and I want them to see how important even the tiniest life truly is.  Ultimately, in this culture of death, I want this life to be seen as important, as special, as worth risking everything for. 

I've been near tears all day long.  I've let a few slide down my cheeks every now and again.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to be pregnant.  I'm scared of what could happen.  I'm scared to tell people and to face their criticism.  But as I sat here thinking about all these things I felt a few little kicks.  At that very moment those fears slipped away and I knew that regardless it is worth it all.  I know I'll worry this entire pregnancy but if I focus on those little kicks, those tiny reminders of that beautiful little one growing inside of me, then I know I can get through this.  I am so thankful to feel those movements.  They are such a blessing and a concrete way for me to stay focused. 

A Sigh of Relief

Today I had a regular OB appointment.  I went to the place that originally told me that they thought I was too high risk to be seen there.  I love the provider I made my appointment with.  I hate to call her my provider since she really is my friend.  She told me to schedule my next appointment with one of the other doctors who will hear me out and maybe think about seeing me through the pregnancy.  I sure hope so since I love this practice so very much and they have become family to me over the years.  They have delivered 7 of my 10 children so far.  The only reason they didn't deliver Jake is that I wanted to try to have him vaginally and my Madison had been their last VBAC baby ever in their office.  So, I had to find someone else to deliver Jake... if I had only known what was going to happen I never would have gone there.  But, we can't go back so we have to look forward.  I'm praying so hard that when I go back for my next appointment that the doctor I see will allow me to stay with them. 

While Lynn was examining me she found that at 12 weeks I'm measuring at 20 weeks.  Of course this wasn't a surprise since I have fibroids and now I have a Frankenuterus.  I normally measure large and it's never worried me before but now I know that I can't have that extra stress on my uterus so that scares me some.  I'm hoping that I don't run into problems sooner than expected. 

Lynn couldn't hear the baby's heart beat but I expected that too.  With my extra maternal fluff it makes it harder to hear.  So, we got a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.  We found the baby right away, wiggling around.  The heart beat was a steady 158... perfect.  It made me so happy to see.

I've been convinced since the moment I found out I am pregnant that this is a girl.  The symptoms I'm having just really go along with many of the girls I've had and none of the boys.  I've been wrong before, but only once.  I know that whatever the sex of the baby that the baby will be the exact little boy or girl that we need in our lives.  I know the boys will be a little disappointed if this is a girl.  They are hoping we'll round out the numbers a bit.   I know they are keeping their fingers crossed.  I'm not sure what I'd do if we have another boy inside of me!  We've never had boys one right after the other who have survived.  We have big gaps of time between boys with lots of girls in between.  It would be odd to have 2 boys so close together but I have a feeling that it would be so much fun too!

I worry though about being pregnant with another boy.  Our boys just aren't as strong as our girls. I would worry more I think if I find out this is a boy baby. Still, I know it doesn't matter what the sex is, this baby will be the perfect addition to our family.  God always knows just what we need when we need it and I know this baby, boy or girl, is going to be exactly what our family needs!

I'm breathing a sigh of relief to get to be pregnant for yet another day.  I'm praying I get to be pregnant much, much longer and bring this little one safely into the world.  I'm over the moon to feel the tiny movements that are already happening and beyond thrilled to know that a precious baby is growing under my heart.  I truly am blessed more than I ever deserve!

I Can Breathe Again!

It was a long morning at the doctor's office today.  They were so far behind after a flood in their offices.  The doctors were unable to consult with patients in their offices so they had to use exam rooms.  This made it so that all of the patients waiting to be seen had less rooms in which to be examined.  After 2 hours of waiting it was finally my time to consult with the doctor and hopefully get some answers. 

I was rather upset with the doctor by the end of my appointment.  She was a new OB for me and thus we had to go over my history.  At the end of our interview she asked if I had any concerns.  I told her about my experiences yesterday and through the night.  Even after hearing my whole history and what I was experiencing it seemed like she was unconcerned.  I thought for sure she's at least try to listen for the baby's heartbeat.  Instead she said we'd schedule an appointment for next week.  It took everything in me not to cry out. 

As we were leaving the exam room she stopped me and said, "You know, we should listen for fetal heart tones."  I told her I thought that was an excellent idea.  We went back into the room and she listened for the baby.  At 11 weeks 2 days it's iffy if you will hear the baby's heartbeat via a doppler, especially when you are overweight like I am.  She was unable to find the baby's heartbeat.  She decided that we would look with the ultrasound machine.  She turned it on and pressed the wand to my belly.   She looked and looked and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  I closed my eyes and prayed.  In the background there was music playing as she was searching.  The office has the music set to a spa station on sirius radio.  During the time she was listening for the baby's heart the song Ave Maria was playing!  I found so much peace in the fact that I was not alone in that room.  I know that God had me in His arms and that Mary was there holding my hand too.  Of course when we still couldn't find the baby's heartbeat I truly began to worry even knowing I had such strength holding me up.

The doctor decided to get one of the ultrasound technicians to come and try to find the baby's heartbeat.  It was a long wait for them to come back in the room.  All I could do was pray and tell God that I trusted Him.  They finally came into the room.

The tech put the wand on my belly, swished it around a couple of times and found our little one with no problem.  She said, "Oh goodness!  Look at it just flipping around in there!"  The baby was very active and we could see little arms and little legs moving.  I began to cry.  I couldn't stop.  I can't tell you the relief I felt at that very moment.  The doctor came over to me and held my hand and told me it was ok.  I know she felt bad for not being able to find the baby's heartbeat by either doppler or ultrasound and how it caused me so much fear and stress.  She was so caring and kind to me.  I appreciated it so much.  The tech measured the baby's heart rate, it was 157... absolutely perfect. 

 

 

The doctor told me that because my uterus is so damaged that probably I will feel a lot more pain during my pregnancy.  I am going to try not to get so scared every time it happens.  I know that the further along I get in this pregnancy the more likely I am to have more intense pains.  I know those can signify something going very wrong in my body.  I'm not sure how I am going to get through it but I know I will. 

 

God answered my prayers today.  I am able to hold my tiny baby in me another day.  I feel so blessed and so thankful.  My heart is so full of love for this little one who grows inside of me.  I thank God each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to bed for another day to be a part of this miracle of life.  I can only hope that I am able to see this through.  I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this baby in my arms one day.  I pray I am so lucky. 

Worried

Tonight has been a bad night.  I'm not sure what is going on but I'm in a lot of pain.  I'm cramping and having some contractions.  I have felt sick to my stomach (that is different from morning sickness) all day long.  I had mentioned it to Mike earlier and he just laughed and said, "Maybe you're pregnant!"  Unfortunately it wasn't the regular run-of-the-mill pregnancy sickness I have been feeling.  It's very different. 

I've tried everything I know to do... I've been flooding my body with water in case I'm just dehydrated.  I've been laying on my left side.  I've taken a warm bath.  I'm trying to calm my breathing and my nerves.  Nothing is working.  I feel very much like I did all day the day I lost William.  I'm worried that I am going to go into full blown labor like I did with him.  I'm scared out of my mind. 

I'm going to lay in the bed and pray.  Either it will help calm my nerves or it will help put me to sleep but either way I know that praying always helps me.  I have a feeling if I am so lucky as to not lose this baby that my rosary will take up a permanent place in my hands. 

I don't want to lose this baby.  I have an appointment in the morning so I'm praying that they will be able to tell me something, anything.  I'm praying that when we look at the baby I'll still see a beating heart.  I'm desperate to see my little one.  I need to know that he/she is ok.  The reality of possibly losing this little one is almost too much to bear but it's a probability that I've known could exist from the start.  I just don't want to experience the loss of my last baby.  How will my heart survive if there's no heartbeat?  I think my own heart will stop beating too. 

Halloween... the Real Deal!

Halloween is here!  We were able to carve our pumpkins last night.  Mike did one and Garrett did the other.  Mike has decided that Garrett does such good work he's now going to be the official pumpkin carver.  I think it's a good idea.  Mike's been at the job for a long, long time.  It's time to pass the torch!

The kids were so excited when I finally allowed them to get out all the Halloween decor and costumes so they could decide what to be.  Garrett looks funny in the back all gross and bloody when everyone else is so cute and innocent looking.  Of course the others weren't setting up scary music and strobe lights or carrying around a machete to scare kids so I suppose his costume is pretty perfect considering all he was planning to do.

 

I loved all the costumes that the kids decided to be.  They all looked great and really, they were all easy to do this year.  No one required any real work so that was nice!  Most years we spend hours doing makeup to turn a kid into a zombie or a witch or a vampire.  We like to get pretty realistic so it takes a while.  This year I only had to put a beard on Bella.  Kaylie did Emma's whiskers and Garrett did his own makeup so it was a breeze to get them ready to go. 

 

 

 



I was super happy that Mike decided to take the kids trick-or-treating.  I had been worried about walking around so much.  I know that the extra stress would not be good.  He was able to get home and take them out.  They had so much fun!  Garrett stayed behind to scare kids.  Kaylie stayed to hand out candy and Jake stayed because I didn't think he really needed to be out in the cool night air plus, at 7 months old he really didn't need any candy.  Thankfully it was his bedtime about the time they left so it was actually really quiet here for a couple hours.  It was a much needed break!

Overall I think the Halloween season went well.  Garrett, Kaylie and Mike went to Netherworld in Atlanta.  Mike was able to get free tickets to Fright Fest at Six Flags so he took Savannah, Emma, and Bella with him.  All the kids loved what they got to dress up as to trick-or-treat and they all got a nice, but not overwhelming, amount of goodies.  As much as I was dreading it, the holiday was fun and perfect.

Halloween

Halloween is rapidly coming up and I'm so not ready.  My kids love the holiday and we normally go all out.  The kids keep asking if we can get out the boxes of decorations and costumes so they can go through it.  I'm just not ready for the mess and noise that comes along with getting all of that out.  Still, I know we'll have to do it soon. 

This weekend we also have a youth group Halloween scavanger hunt to go to.  That should be fun.  When we've done it before the kids have had tons of fun and we make some great memories from it.  Savannah and Garrett have been looking forward to it for a while now.  Garrett bought himself a new mask for Halloween.  It's awesome.... very scary!  He can't wait to wear it both on Saturday and at our house on Halloween to scare kids as they come for candy. 

After Halloween is over I know the time is going to start flying by.  Christmas will be here in just 2 months!  I'm going to have so much to do and am praying I won't be put on bedrest before Christmas.  When I was pregnant with William I was put on bedrest.  It made the time before the holiday very hard.  I made the terrible decision to go shopping one day and I still worry and wonder if somehow that made it so that I lost William.  The doctor assures me that it wasn't but still, I can't help but worry about it.  The guilt is sometimes overwhelming.  If I am put on bedrest again I'm not getting up out of the bed for anything, especially to shop.  Hopefully it won't come down to that though. 

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I need to get through Halloween first.  I still have a week to get ready.... that should be more than enough time!

Beautiful

Our little peanut is nestled all nice and snug inside of me.  I love how much he/she has already changed in just a weeks time.  I am so in love with this little one already.  It's amazing to me that something so small and so wonderful is growing quietly inside of me. 

Today I saw the specialist.  I really liked him.  It's a new doctor for me.  For most of my pregnancies I've had to see a perinatologist but this time I was encouraged to find one that would deliver at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  There aren't many who have come as highly recommended as Dr. Bootstaylor.  He had such a calming personality.  While he was concerned about our situation he didn't seem like it was the end of the world.  That made me feel a little better.  I'm praying that this will work out.  We may have some insurance issues so I'm not holding my breath too long.  But, I am holding out hope that he is the one who will see me through this pregnancy. 

So far baby looks great and I feel ok.  I'm having a few issues but nothing major so I'm pretty happy about that.  I started insulin injections today.  I'm praying that this pregnancy we can really control my gestational diabetes.  So far every pregnancy since Isabella in 2003 I've needed insulin to control it.  Thankfully though as soon as I deliver the baby it goes away immediately.  I'm hoping that will be the biggest of all my problems.

I'm excited for the possiblities that this doctor brings.  I'm hopeful that we can get through this pregnancy safely.  I'm praying that God has brought me to the right doctor. 

Little Fingers

On Saturday night I was trying to get Jake to sleep.  I often listen to music with him or I pray the rosary out loud while he is in my arms.  Both seem to help calm him and help him drift off to much needed sleep.  Saturday night was no different and as I held Jake in my arms we listened to Celine Dion's, "My Precious One" as well as many other songs on her CD "Miracle: A Celebration of New Life". 

He way laying in the crook of my arm, snuggled down deep beside me in the bed.  He gently sucked the milk from his bottle and looked up at me.  He reached out to stroke my face.  I caught his tiny hand and held it.  I quietly rubbed his fingers and he rolled his eyes back and settled in. 

As the song played and I looked at my son I became very overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts.  I began thinking about how if something happens to me that he will never remember me, he's just too young.  He won't have memories of us snuggling in bed, listening to lullabyes and of me stroking his hand and face.  He won't remember me praying out loud for him, the soft prayers helping him to quiet down.  He won't remember me.  I started to cry. 

I have no doubts or reservations that bringing this baby into the world is the right thing to do.  I already love this baby every bit as much as any of my other children.  But sometimes the thought of not getting to hold this baby, not getting to sing to this baby, of some of my children not remembering me is just too much to bear and I can't help but cry. 

I was only 2 years old when my father died. I was older than Jake now and I have only two faint memories of him.  If something happens to me this baby I am carrying now will never know me and Jake, who is only 7 months, won't either. Oh how that pierces my heart!  I want my children to all know and remember me. I want them to know how much I loved them.  How much they meant to me.  How much I would give for them.  I want them to remember us laughing, playing, reading, singing, praying.  I want them to think of me making dinner and remember how irritated I would get as I was asked 700 times "what's for dinner?"  I want them to never forget sitting around a campfire in our backyard cooking s'mores, telling stories and laughing. 

Those tears that I cried weren't only for my children but for me.  I want to see each of my kids graduate, get married, and have babies of their own.  I want us to have huge family Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinners.  I want my kids to be excited to come visit me and for us to come visit them.  There are so many thing I want out of life too.  I don't want to lose all of it. 

This cross seems awfully heavy to carry sometimes.  I know that I have others who are willing to help me carry this cross.  I know that Christ's cross was so much heavier than my own.  I feel blessed that He feels I am worthy to carry such a cross.  I know with my faith and trust in God that I will carry it in the way He wants me to.  Like Jake, my fingers are little in comparison to Christ's.  Just as I stroke Jake's and hold his hand, I know that God is doing the same for me.  That makes me feel safer and that I can rest in Him.

My Journey Through Grief

 

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day.  It's a special day for so many of us.  It is a day where we can honor our children and not feel bad for doing so.  Let me explain...

Losing a child can be such a taboo subject.  Many people are not quite sure how to approach the topic and so often times it is overlooked.  There aren't cards in the store that say, "I'm sorry you lost your baby".  Many time people don't know what to say so they don't say anything.  Those who haven't experienced loss might feel like they are bringing up too much pain for the person who is grieving the loss of their little one.   Sometimes those of us who have lost a child don't want to make others uncomfortable so we don't talk about our loss, our pain, or about how our whole lives have been changed.  We suffer in silence.  Today is the one day out of the year that it is expected that we can talk about how much we miss our babies. 

I have thought a lot about this subject over the years.  I think in many cases those who have never suffered a loss are not able to completely understand what we are going through.  And rightfully so.  I can't say I understand what a widower is feeling.  I've never lost my husband.  I can't say what it feels like to lose someone through suicide as no one I have ever been close to has ever killed themselves.  I may not know the "right" thing to say in those situations.  It stands to reason then that those who have never lost a child might also struggle with how to handle helping a friend through a miscarriage or the loss of a child during birth or after birth.  If I could impart one thing to those who have never lost a child it would be to talk about your friend's baby. Tell them that you are thinking of them. Tell the that you feel sad for all they have gone through. Tell them that you are praying for them. Ask them how they are doing. Help them not feel so alone.  Asking about their baby and how they are doing will show them how much you love them.

I'll be honest, I didn't alway think this way.  Truthfully it used to hurt me so much that my losses were never talked about.  It wasn't until I met others who had been through losses that I began to understand.  I had always felt very alone.  Many days I still do.  My pain and my experiences are different from everyone else's.  No one can truly understand what it feels like to go through what we did with each of our losses but especially with William.  The trauma was almost too much to bear.  Still, even though someone might not know my specific pain they can know the pain of losing a child. While the experiences are different the loss of life, the loss of hopes and dreams, and the struggles deep in our hearts are often the same.  That gives me a little bit of hope to know that I'm not truly alone. 

Still, there are some days that even though I feel I am moving forward I actually am at a standstill.  I had a day like this recently.  I wrote an article over at the CatholicSistas website about that day. It was published today in honor of our losses.  You can read it here if you'd like.  That day, while sitting at William's grave I cried tears of pain and sorrow.  I prayed to God to help me with the pain.  I wondered why I had to go through it.  Shouldn't I be starting to "be over it" by now?  What I discovered was that grief does not follow any rules.  It comes when it wants and abates when it's ready.  I know that it is something I will always deal with. I will never be "over it".  I know some days will be ones that I can get through and others will reduce me to an emotional mess.  I just wish I knew which days would be which, but I don't.  Grief sneaks up on you and overtakes you so quickly.  It is swift and often without warning. 

I'm praying that we don't have to face more loss and grief.  We have had so much of it in our lives.  We have fought through it and are battle-scarred and worn but we have survived.  I know our losses have helped make us the people we are today.... all our experiences do.  I know that they have helped me truly understand how very precious life is.  I know that they have helped me be more understanding and compassionate.  I know that they are helping me fight this fight I am currently waging.  They have made me strong.  They have made me courageous.  They have made me understand the sanctity of life in a way I don't think I could have understood before.  They have shown me God's love in the tiniest hands and feet I've ever seen.  They have shown me perfection.  For that I am forever grateful. 

Unnerved

Yesterday for much of the day I was cramping.  I know that cramping in early pregnancy can be normal.  I've had it in many of my pregnancies. I also know it can signify something wrong.  It can be a precursor to miscarriage.  So when I started cramping I started worrying.  Of course all the worrying in the world will do nothing for me, but I worried anyway.

I'm pretty sure that it was normal cramping.  Probably things "settling" in and my body getting used to having a little occupant inside of my womb.  Each pain was a small reminder that of how things might go with this pregnancy.  It scared me and really brought home what might happen.  It makes me worried.  I'm trying my hardest to put my trust in God but sometimes even that is hard. 

We have been through so much.  We have experienced so much loss, so much heartache, so much pain.  I don't want to go through more pain.  I don't want my family to go through pain.  I'm praying with all my heart that we will experience joy at the end of this pregnancy.  I can handle some physical discomfort and pain but I'm not sure how I will handle emotional and spiritual pain.  I'm praying so hard that we don't have to. 

Perfection

It was a very good day today....

 

 

 

Today I saw our little one again.  S/he has grown perfectly and the heart rate was 145, also perfect.  While in the picture the baby looks just like a blob on the screen we could see the baby wiggling and moving.  I had to hold my breath and be so still in order for us to be able to get the heart rate because with me moving and the baby moving it was almost impossible to get!  Still, we managed and what a beautiful sight it was. 

 

I never cease to be amazed by the miracle of life.  I have had so many ultrasounds and each one of them makes me catch my breath.  To see that tiny life growing and living in me is almost more than I can wrap both my mind and heart around!  I am so thankful that God is letting me participate in this miracle for one last time. 

 

I have to say that today made my day.  To know that our little one is giving it's all to survive makes me that much more determined to do all I can to help bring him/her into the world.  There was never a doubt what I would do but to be honest I felt like I might be fighting a losing battle.  The thing is, we may still lose, but I know we will both fight our hardest and that brings me comfort. 

 

I am praying so very hard that we both make it through this pregnancy.  I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this little one in my arms and know that we both worked so hard and accomplished a tremendous feat. 

 

My baby is already a fighter.  So am I.  We are going to fight this together and hopefully win!  Even if we don't "win" I know that we will truly have won. 

Tired

I'm so tired.  I wish I could sleep.  I'm sick to my stomach a lot of the time but I never throw up.  I have to pee all the time.  I can't sleep.  I want chocolate.  Diet coke is tasting weird.  My hyper sense of smell is even more heightened.  Did I mention I'm tired? 

I feel so pregnant.  This is a good thing! I'm going to try to enjoy every miserable minute of it!

A Good Day

I had my first ultrasound today.  I told the technician that I thought the baby would be smaller than what the doctor was thinking because I knew that I had to of ovulated so late.  If I hadn't ovulated late I wouldn't be on the table for an ultrasound.  She laughed and said "We'll see." 

It's funny that despite how many ultrasounds I've had in my life I am never less than amazed to see a tiny life growing inside of me.  It was hard to see that slow fluttering but we caught a glimpse of it.  We couldn't measure it as it was too slow but at least the heart was beating!  That gave me such hope that this little one is going to try to make it!

She did the measurements and said, "You were right on."  I had no doubt that the baby would measure according to my dates but it was nice to hear that I was right.  We finished up and she said she'd go talk to the doctor to see what he wanted me to do next.

It took a little bit but she finally returned and said the doctor wanted me to have a follow up ultrasound in a week.  He wanted to make sure our little one's heart was beating stronger and that my measurements were increasing the right way. 

I left there with a huge smile on my face.  Right now our baby is alive!  It's little bitty heart is fluttering and she is fighting for life.  I am fighting for life too... both for my baby and for me.  I pray that my little one won't give up.  I know I never will. 

Confirmed

I went to my OBs office today to confirm my pregnancy.  I normally go in much earlier, like the moment I have a positive test, but I knew that I would only worry myself more if I went in too early. 

I went to the doctor's office that has delivered 7 of my 10 children.  They are like family to me.  I hated to not use them in the last few pregnancies but they changed their policies regarding having vbacs (vaginal births after a c-section) and I knew that I was capable of having a normal vaginal birth since I had done so two times with them.  I would be the last vbac their office would do and that was with Madison.  During my pregnancies with Joseph, Sarah, and William I would go to a different practice.  I hated going there though.  The doctor, while highly skilled and recommended, had no bedside manner and was so rude and uncaring during my losses.  Maybe one day I'll write about his care but today I just don't think I can.  

Because I didn't like the care from this doctor I chose another practice during my pregnancy with Jake.  They would allow me to try a vbac as well.  I liked many of the midwives there and the doctors seemed nice enough.  Still, they weren't like family.  Because of all that happened with Jake I am hesitant to go back there to see them.  Because I know I'll have to have a c-section for sure this time I decided to go back to where I feel safest, loved, and at home.  It was nice to walk in there today and see the faces I have seen for years, the people who can name all my children, and the people who are interested in what is going on not just in my pregnancy but in our lives as well. 

I thought I was just going to do a urine test and be scheduled for a follow up visit.  Instead I got to see one of the doctors.  I was so disappointed when he sat me down and told me that he didn't think they were going to be able to follow me through my pregnancy.  He felt I was too high risk and that they didn't have the means to make sure I would be safe.  He suggested I find a doctor that would deliver me at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  Emory has the state of the art equipment that could save both my baby and me if something should happen.  I told him that while I was very sad that they couldn't see me I also was very happy that he was upfront with me.  My main concern is for my baby's and my welfare.  If he thought we'd be safest with another practice then I would start looking.

He did say they could follow me for a short while and that he's like to do an ultrasound tomorrow to check for viability.  I'm so nervous!  While I am feeling pregnant I'm not prepared to see an ultrasound tomorrow.  What happens if the baby has no heartbeat yet?  What happens if they see something wrong already.  As scared as I am about this pregnancy I'm more scared of losing another child.  I know we would get through it but I just can't face that right now. 

Tomorrow is either going to be a very good day or a very bad day.  I'm praying so hard that the day will be good. 

In Reverse

This weekend I went on retreat in the North Georgia mountains with Garrett and Savannah.  I had been planning on going even before I found out I was pregnant.  When I found out I was expecting I worried about whether I should go or not.  I decided that at this point in my pregnancy there isn't much risk to me although there is a risk for miscarriage.  I also know that there is nothing I can do at this point to stop a miscarriage and that I have not shown any signs of miscarriage.  I decided that I could go without risk to me or the baby.  I also decided to go because I know that if things should go bad later on in my pregnancy that this may be the last time I am able to do something like this with my older kids.  I want them to have the memories of me being there and being with them.

The retreat was called, "In Reverse".  We looked at the Our Father and the meaning behind each part of the prayer.  I was asked prior to the retreat to do a talk on "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done."  At the time I was asked I didn't think much about it but now, being pregnant, it took on a completely different meaning for me.  As I gave my talk I told the kids how it was always important to put God's will above our own, even when it was hard to do.  We don't pray, "MY kingdom come, MY will be done".  We should always pray that God's will be done in our lives.  We want His kingdom to be here on earth with us and in order to achieve this we must be willing to let His will work throughout all areas of our lives.  I impressed upon them that this won't always be an easy prayer to pray. It's much easier to not go by God's will, to just do what makes us happy.  However, there are much greater rewards for us when we follow God's path instead of our own. 

I told them that leaving our fertility up to God was one of the ways that I allow God's will in my life.  Most of the kids there had no idea what happened during Jake's birth or that I shouldn't ever have another child again.  I don't think that they would have been surprised if they found out that I am expecting.  I know the adults in the room would have understood just what that meant but most of the kids would have no idea.  I wished I could tell them what I was going through.  How sometimes when you say yes to God's will in your life that God asks so much of you in return.  But that when you say yes to Him that the blessings you receive are so much greater than we could ever hope for. 

Following God in all aspects of our lives is hard. It's so contrary to what society pushes on us... do what you want! Do what makes you feel good! Me! Me! Me!  Instead, it's sacrificing our own wants for something more.  It's saying, not my will but Yours.  It's one of the most difficult things to do.  Most of us may be able to do it in some areas of our lives but perhaps not all.  Most of us have a hang up here or there that keeps us from committing our whole selves to God.  We need to find those areas and work on giving them to Him.  We have to pray that God helps us put all our trust in Him.  He knows what He's doing and His plan is always so much better than our own. 

I came home from the retreat renewed in my faith.  I know what we are doing is the right thing to do.  I never had a doubt about that but the retreat helped me to know that when we announce that this baby is on the way that it won't matter what others say about us... we know that we are honoring God by accepting His gift of life.  We are loving our child in a way that is like no other.  We are imitating Christ's love by being willing to give up my life so that another may live.  As I sat in Adoration during the retreat I could see Christ present there in the chapel with me.  I could feel Him, I could sense Him and I could hear Him.  He would give no less for me so I will give no less for my child. 

I am so thankful I was able to go on the retreat with the kids.  I love our youth group, love spending time not only with my own children but with so many amazing teens as well as the insightful and faithful adult leaders of our group as well.  We not only connect with God but we connected with each other.  It recentered me and helped me to overcome some of those fears that have been gathering in the back of my mind.  I know that I will still struggle with those fears but this weekend showed me that even when I feel I am alone, I'm not.  Besides this tiny little one growing snuggly in my womb, God is always right beside me... He shows Himself in prayer, in my friends, in the kids, in nature, in the silence and in the songs. 

Not my will Lord, but Yours be done. 

Telling the Kids

I decided that I was going to tell the kids right away that we are expecting another baby.  I know it might seem like a bad idea but if something happens to either me or the baby (or both of us) I want the kids to know how much I loved this little one from the very beginning and that I am happy that he/she is on the way.  I want them to be able to enjoy as much of the pregnancy as well.  I know that they are going to be excited, they always are, and I want them to be able to have that excitment as long as possible.  I also know that I am going to need their help.  It won't be long before the exhaustion and nausea begin and I know that the more help I have the better I will be able to get through it. 

I decided to tell Garrett, Savannah, and Emma first.  Kaylie is at work and I know that she is going to be the one who takes it the hardest.  I'm actually happy she's gone so that I can tell her alone.  I called the next three oldest into my room and tell them we need to talk about something.  Savannah lights up like a Christmas tree and says excitedly, "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant aren't you?!"  I tell her yes.  She squeals with delight.  I hear Garrett let his breath out.  I look at him and see the concern in his eyes.  I face Savannah again and say, "I am pregnant and while it's a very, very good thing it's also something that can be very bad for me."  Garrett shakes his head in agreement.  It dawns on Savannah what I mean by this.  Suddenly her face is more somber.

We talk about how it is ok to be excited and happy but we also need to know that there are major risks that will follow with me going through with this pregnancy.  I impress on them how very much I love all of them and would gladly give my life for any one of them.  Then I tell them that this little one is every bit as important and that I am willing to give my life for him/her as well.  They understand.  I tell them that if I don't make it through the pregnancy I don't want them to think that I didn't love them enough to not risk my life but that I love them so much that I knew they would want me to be true to God's will in my life.  Of course they knew this already but I felt the need to make sure they understood.  I told them that I would need extra help this time around and that I needed them to pray.  They are such amazing kids.  While they are scared they are so excited that we are welcoming another life into our family.  They are also proud that I would stand up for life even if it means giving up my own.  Their encouragement was exactly what I needed!

Next I called Isabella, Anna, and Ben into my room and sat them down.  I had decided to only tell them that I am pregnant but not all the risks that are going to be involved with carrying this child.  I told them we are expecting and they were so joyful!  They cheered and told me that they were so happy.  Then Ben looked at me and said, "But Mama, you almost died giving birth to Jake, you aren't supposed to have any more babies, you might die."  Oh that was like a sword piercing my heart!  I looked at that sweet face so full of concern and told him that he was right.  I told him that although we were told not to have any more babies that God saw fit to let us have one anyway and that we were going to trust Him.  I also told them that I was willing to give my life for any one of them and that I would give my life for this baby too.  He nodded his head and said, "Oh Mama, I know you would! I love you!"   God has blessed me so richly with these children!  I reminded them that I would need extra help and that this was a secret until we decide to tell everyone that we are having a baby.   I told them under no circumstances are they to tell the little girls... those two won't keep a secret for sure!  They promised to keep our secret. They said they couldn't wait for our baby to get here.  Oh how I love these children. 

Kaylie would come home from work later and I took her alone in our room to tell her the news.  She was quiet.  I think she expected to hear the news at some point but it still took her off guard.  We talked about the risks and she told me that she knew there was no other choice than to have the baby.  I know she's scared and she told me that she will probably cry over it when she's alone. My heart hurst so much! I hate that she's hurting and so worried.  I know how much she means to me and I know how much I mean to her.  I know it would be devastating to all the kids if I should die but I know she will be one of them that has the hardest time with it.  I pray, if only for her sake, that God will let me live through this experience.  Not only does this little baby inside of me need me but my other children do as well. 

It was a hard day today. I know our kids are worried and yet they are so excited as well.  It's funny how they each know that despite the risks and the odds against us that there is only one option for us.  They each respect life so much already that they know it is an honor to be able to defend it and to sacrifice for it.  I pray that God will allow both the baby and me to make it through this pregnancy.  It would be the greatest gift ever to give my kids.  I am praying so hard that God doesn't call our baby home to Him and that He allows me to be here for a long time to come to be with my family on earth.  They need me so much too.

Together Through It All

I told Mike about the baby tonight.  It was hard to tell him.   I told him that we needed to talk.  I told him that we were expecting a baby.  I don't think he believed me at first.  I started to cry.  I told him that I was scared.  We sat together quietly.  We held hands.  We cried.

How did this happen?  I knew this was going to be one of Mike's first questions.  We had been so careful.  We knew we had to avoid pregnancy and had chosen to follow our faith and use Natural Family Planning.  We know it works and works well.  We were diligent to the point that abstaining was affecting our marriage.  Never before had we had a barrier between us.  We could be together whenever we wanted.  Now we had to check the calendar and check all the signs of fertility before we could be together.  It was a strain for sure.  Still, knowing how important it was that we not get pregnant we followed the rules to the letter. Plus, we knew that using artificial birth control wasn't something that we could use as it was so clearly against our faith and beliefs.  So how could I be pregnant if we were so very careful?

I told Mike that I believed stress played a very big role in how I got pregnant.  We had gone to the funeral for our friend's baby boy.  It was hard on us.  It was a huge reminder of our own losses especially of William.  It was hard to see him, to see the pain that our friends were going through, to go to the cemetery to see him buried, to hear his mother crying beside his grave.  It was hard to see Mike cry.  It was hard for me to hold back my own tears.  I would sob all the way home from the funeral, grieving for our own baby and all our losses, including the loss of our fertility.  I believe that the stress of the pain we were in caused me to ovulate much later than I should have.  Had that week been a normal week I have no doubt that I would not be pregnant now.  Still, it wasn't normal and I am pregnant.  I can only think that despite all our vigorous efforts to detail that God still was in control and I am pregnant for a very specific purpose. 

We know what we are going to be counseled to do.  It will be wisest for me to abort this baby.  To save my life I know that I must give up this little one.  I know that's what the doctors say.  I can't do it though.  There is no way I can ever even think about aborting this baby.  It goes against everything I believe and know to be right and holy.  I can't.  I would never kill one of my other children to save my own life, I won't kill this child either.  His/her life is every bit as important as my own.  I love him/her so much already.  I would rather die knowing I tried to give life to this baby than to live knowing I took life. 

I'm not sure how we will get through this but we will.  We have each other and we have our faith.  I am praying so often that God will see fit to let me make it through this pregnancy as well as letting my baby live too.  I want so badly to hold this little one and to tell her how much I loved her from the moment I knew she was there.  I will gladly give my life for this baby but I pray that God doesn't ask that of me.  I ask it not for myself but for my husband and my children.  I guess I do ask for myself as well... I want to grow old with my husband and children and bask in their love all the days of my life.  I don't want to miss out on their birthdays, first dates, graduations, marriages, the births of their children, my anniversaries with Mike, our vacations, growing old together... I want to be here for it all.  I pray that God allows me that gift too. 

How Life Takes Our Breath Away

Today I confirmed what I already knew in my heart.... I am pregnant.  As I stood in the bathroom before the dawn had even arrived my heart was beating so hard inside my chest.  I was waiting to see if indeed a pregnancy test would show what I already believed to be true.  It seemed like it took forever for the line to make it's way across the test.  I held my breath.  It wouldn't be long before I saw two pink lines in the window.  I started to cry.

I was crying for so many reasons.  I never thought I would ever see another positive pregnancy test again since we were told I should never be pregnant again.  I was overwhelmed that here I was looking at two pink lines... lines that said there was life growing inside of me once again.  What a blessing I have been given!  I am always amazed that God trusts me so much to give me a chance to be a mother yet again.  I'm not sure why He trusts me, I often fail in so many ways, yet He does trust me.  I cry tears of thanksgiving that once again He has found me worthy to participate in the most beautiful and miraculous aspect of life.

I cried also because I am afraid.  I know the risks.  After Jake's birth just 6 months ago (to the day!) the doctor repeated them over and over again to us... “You must never get pregnant again. You could die if you do. You will risk your life and the life of your baby. More than likely your baby will die. Your uterus is so badly damaged that it will never hold a child again.”  His voice echoes in my mind.  I hear his thick accent instructing me to make sure that I don't get pregnant and that after my body is healed from almost dying with Jake that I look into getting a hysterectomy.  I don't want to die.  I don't want to go through the death of another one of my babies either. How can I carry this cross?  How will I tell Mike?  How will I tell the kids?  When we start telling others I know we will face major criticism.  People will say we are irresponsible.  Of course they can't be further from the truth but they won't know that... they'll just see me pregnant again, knowing I shouldn't be, knowing how my last delivery went and will decide that we must be ignorant and selfish.  I know they will say these things because they've said them before when we haven't had problems with a pregnancy.  So many people feel like large families are irresponsible.  I think about all the times we've received negative comments from not only strangers but from those who claim to love us.  It hurts.  How in the world will we explain this?

I am crying also because I'm not sure why God trusts me to carry such a heavy cross like this one.  I cry for my children... I don't want them to worry.  I don't want to leave them without a mother.  I cry for Mike.  I can't imagine what he will do if I die... how will he tell the kids?  How will he manage?  What would life be like for all of them without me?  I cry for me.  I cry because I don't want to think about leaving my family behind.  I don't want my life to be at risk.  I don't want to die.  Of course I know that it doesn't matter... I have only one choice.  I know without a doubt that I will risk everything for this tiny one that God has already blessed me with.  How can I not?  I would give my life for any one of my children, even if it meant leaving them without me, this child is no different.  Still, I am scared. 

I'm waiting to tell Mike about our new little one.  I'm not sure how he's going to react.  I know he's going to be scared.  I've also decided that never in my life have I ever gotten to just have a little secret of my own. I want to have a few days to come to terms with this myself and to savor in the joy that being pregnant with new life brings.  I know I'm being selfish but I need this time for me. 

My breath has been taken away.  I need some time to sit down and catch it again.  I'm praying so hard that I can feel God's ever present love guiding me.   I know I am going to need Him now more than ever. 

My Story

My story is an age old story... girl dreams of boy, girl meets boy, girl marries boy, girl lives happily ever after, except with many twists and turns thrown in to keep me on my toes.  I'm no one special, just a woman who is blessed beyond measure and more than I ever envisioned as a child.  I grew up hoping and dreaming of having a large family but feared that no one would ever want to marry me.  Imagine my surprise when I was only 15 and met the man of my dreams.  We began dating and I knew the first night we went out that one day I would be his wife.  I even told my sister when I got home from my date. 

We were very lucky to have found each other at such a young age.  We dated the rest of our sophmore year as well as both our junior and senior years.  Mike would enlist in the Marine Corps and leave right after graduation.  When he came home after graduating boot camp he would propose to me.  I of course said yes immediately.  He left again for the west coast and I enrolled in college. We wrote each other, visited, and missed each other with all our hearts.  He would soon deploy to Saudi Arabia for the Gulf War.  I was devastated.  I wrote him every day, sometimes many times a day.  I would eagerly check the mail each day for a letter in return.  Most days I would find nothing waiting for me.  Still, I waited.  After the war was over Mike decided that he did not want to wait any longer to get married.  As soon as he arrived home we were married.  We had been out of high school less than a year.  There were many people who didn't think we had a chance.  We did have one cheerleader though, the mother of Mike's best friend.  She told me that she knew we would make it.  I would cling to her words during the tough times in those early years of marriage.

Over the last 21 1/2 years of marriage Mike and I have been through so much together.  We have seen some really, really highs and we have experienced some really, really lows.  But, together we made it through and have come out stronger than we ever expected.  Our lives are vastly different now than the early years when we were just Mike and Michelle.  Over the years we have added to our family by leaps and bounds.  Always open to life, we have added 10 beautiful living children to our family and have experienced more loss than most couples will ever face.  Still, living open to God's will has always been the right path for our marriage.  It has brought us more joy and love than we could have ever hoped for.  It's a lot of work but in the end the benefits far out-weigh the struggles we face having a large family.

In the course of our marriage I have been pregnant with 22 lives.  It's amazing to believe that God chose me to carry so many lives, even if for a short time.  Several of our losses have been later losses, with our last loss being our latest and hardest to go through.  It has been less than 2 years since we lost William and my heart still aches every single day over it.  I suppose because it was such a traumatic experience it seems that much harder to accept but I am still trying my hardest to make peace with all that happened. 

Since losing William we have had another sweet boy, Jacob.  I had prayed so very hard that having him would heal all the wounds caused by William's death but unfortunately his birth caused many more wounds.  They were wounds that I questioned God about so many times only to receive no answer.  You see when I had Jake the doctor knew he was breech and allowed me to try to birth him.  When I knew he wasn't going to come and that I needed help they encouraged me to keep trying.  I'm not sure how long they encouraged me but there was finally a point where I was scared and in so much pain and knew that I was in trouble that I told them they would have to take him, that I couldn't birth him.  I felt the most horrible pain I have ever felt in any of my births and told them they didn't have much time.  By the time they finally put me under and took Jake by c-section my uterus has ruptured as did my bladder.  The doctors would take 3 hours to put me back together, saying my uterus was like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces everywhere.  I asked why they didn't just do a hysterectomy and was told that I was so close to not making it through the original surgery that they couldn't risk taking it out and me not making it.  So, they pieced it back together, put my bladder back together, and told me that under no circumstance should I ever get pregnant.  They said that my uterus would never hold another baby and that if I were to get pregnant again that my life would be at great risk as well.  To try to have another child would more than likely kill me and the baby. 

I have never felt such betrayal... by my body, by my doctors, by God.  I felt so alone.  Why would God give me this cross to bear?  After losing William I prayed that I would hemorrhage so that I might lose my fertility so I never would have to face losing a child again.  I thought that not being able to have another child would be for the best.  Now, I was faced with this very predicament and was questioning that original belief.  The only difference was that I actually could get pregnant but now I wasn't supposed to.  It was such an incredible cross to carry.  I didn't know how I would do it.

Trusting in God has always been my motto... it's the only way I get through life.  I know that when I trust God that all things are possible.  I know that when I don't trust God that the crosses I have to carry are that much harder to bear.  I decided that day in the hospital that I would continue to trust God to help me through and to carry my cross.  I haven't regretted making that decision.