Black Friday

Last night Mike and I did something we never do.  We decided to risk going out on Thanksgiving evening to see if we could get a gift for one of our kids that was advertised at Walmart.  I was adamantly against going, especially on Thanksgiving, for several reasons.  The first had to do with the fact that we would be reinforcing Walmart's (and so many other retailors') idea that as consumers we HAVE to have that special something right away and that we were willing to leave our family and come to the store to get that gift.  I think it's sad that as a society we can't put a hold on our wants for just one day and allow the workers of all the retail shops to be at home with their own families.  The second reason had to do with the fact that we just don't do Black Friday (or Thursday as the case may be) shopping... I hate the crowds.  I hate the chaos.  I hate everything to do with the experience. 

However, because we have a very limited income and thus limited amount of money to spend on Christmas presents for our 10 children, we decided that this once we would brave the crowds and try to get this one gift.  It was afterall, only offered for a limited time, in a limited amount, and it was nearly half price.  There was no way we could afford this item at regular price and it's something we really want to give one of our children.  It isn't just a "thing" but it's an item that can also provide skills that can be used later on.  (I have to speak without saying the item because my children have this website bookmarked and may read this!)

So, we left out and went to Walmart.  The parking lot was completely full.  We ended up parking at a bank across the lot and had to walk the entire length of the parking lot to even get in the store.  We were able to get a buggy and decided to see if we could find where this item might be.  The store was insane.  It was packed with so many people wanting to get great deals too.  They were milling about, most standing near whatever item they most wanted, waiting for the employees to take the plastic wrap off the bundles of goods at 8 pm.  They were anxious and getting loud. 

We found the item we wanted and stood in the aisle next to it.  Mike ended up being right, there weren't may people there for the item we wanted and truly we didn't need to face that crowd to get one.  We didn't know that ahead of time though so it was still good that we went.

At around 7:45 pm the employees began trying to unwrap the plastic off the bundles, telling the people not to put anything in their buggies until 8pm.  People were starting to get loud, starting to push foward so they could get as near as possible to the flats of goods that they were interested in.  In a mere 5 minutes pandemonium broke out.  One person decided that they would indeed get a hold of some of those items and began putting them in their buggy.  That fired up all the others who also began grabbing and snatching and throwing as many items in their buggies as possible.  We were thankful to be in a side aisle, safe from the craziness, but we could still see it clearly.

As the people became even more frenzied we were shocked to see how people were grabbing far more than they ever could need of the items in the middle of the main aisles on the pallets.  They were so greedy and aggressive.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  We don't typically ever go to shop on days like this so this was a real eye-opener for me. 

 

 

I stood back so that I couldn't see anymore.  I couldn't watch all those people, arms full with things they probably didn't truly need, treating others so terribly for another second.  Before I knew it I felt tears sliding down my cheeks.  I wiped them away quickly, hoping no one would see, feeling silly of my reaction to these people I didn't even know.  Mike came over to me and asked me what was wrong.  I could barely speak the words.  Finally, still crying and voice wavering, I said, "I just don't understand.  All this greed.  All this hate.  All this horrible behavior over things.  Why do people act this way?"  It broke my heart to see how inhumane these people were behaving.  I just couldn't wrap my head or my heart around it.

 

We waited for 8pm to come and then put the item in our buggy that we were there for.  There weren't many people who came for this practical gift so there wasn't anyone fighting over what we wanted.   Had there been we would have walked away.  It wasn't that important that we have the item even though it was an incredible price and something that our child has been asking to have for years.  After we got out of our aisle we weaved our way through the crowds.  We waited in line for what seemed like years.  Upon checking out I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal and my heart feeling a little better.  Mike and I agreed that we couldn't do that again. 

 

We see news stories about crime being on the rise, about people going hungry, people dying, war throughout the world and problems within our societies regarding race, religion, and gender.  I hear so many people complain about how horrible the world is and how something needs to give.  I wonder how many of those people were out on Black Thursday or Friday fighting for material goods to save $5 here or $10 there.  We need to wake up and see that the problems with the world start at a very basic level... how we live and treat one another in our own little worlds.  When we fail to respect and see the importance of each and every person, when we belittle and treat others poorly, when we say rude and ugly things to each other it's no wonder that our world at large is in the shape it is.  If we were to make the changes in ourselves and vow to treat others the way we want to be treated (and actually follow through with it!) we would see the beginnings of change.  If we don't make these small changes how can we expect to see big changes? 

 

I cried tears for all of us last night.  I saw the worst behavior in people and it scared me.  It made me sad for all of us.  Here we should be treating each other the way Christ treated everyone and yet I saw people fighting over material things.  The greed and comsumerism was overwhelming.  How have we gotten to a point where things are more important than people or more important than our self-respect?  I pray that I can instill in my children manners, respect, and the belief that there is nothing material out there that is more important that the people that we come in contact with or that are close to us.  Material things fade away... they don't last forever.  The way we treat others, the way we love them and show them respect, that lasts forever. 

I can see why it is called Black Friday.  It's not because stores often find themselves finally in the "black" but because it often brings many good people to a dark side that they should never venture to.  It brings out the black in people's hearts and in their behavior.  It is so sad for all of us.  I pray that one day our society wakes up and sees what kind of damage it is enduring by allowing consumerism and greed to rule our lives.  When we finally see this we can finally begin making changes to reverse those effects on our society.  

Coming Out

Yesterday was a "coming out" of sorts for us.  We announced that I am pregnant and what it might mean for our family.  It was hard to do.  I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but I also wanted to make sure that when people heard we were pregnant that they didn't think we did this on purpose or had been irresponsible or something of that nature. 

I posted a story I had written back on September 19th, just days after I found out that I was pregnant, on the Catholic Sistas website... a Catholic blog where I am a regular contributor.  If you'd like to read it you can do so here: No Greater Love Than This.  It published yesterday for all the world to read.  At the same time I put out an email to family and friends about my pregnancy.  I wanted to give people the time and space to deal with the news in whatever way they needed before contacting us.  It was to help protect both them and us emotionally.  I linked up my story at the Catholic Sistas website so that if they wanted to read further they could. 

Next I posted the link on my Facebook account and to the groups I belong to there.  I decided that I wanted everyone to know our story and that the more people who know, the more people to possibly be praying for our family.  I was not disappointed in the number of prayers that people offered for us and for our baby!  To say I felt a certain peace is an understatement. 

I can say that I was disappointed that more of our family did not respond at all.  I know that they are taking in the news and trying to process it but to be honest my feelings were hurt to not have that "we are praying for you" from some of those that are closest to us.  I'm trying not to let that bother me but even though I try, it still does.  I suppose that, even at 40 year old, I still want and need that affirmation from those I love.  To know that they support us in our decisions is huge.  However, I have to say that the few family members that did contact us absolutely helped us through a difficult day.  Their acceptance and prayers for us mean more than I could ever tell them.  I'm praying that the rest will find their way to believing in us and our decision to allow God to guide our lives. 

It's always uncomfortable for me to announce a pregnancy. Not because we aren't happy but because we know we will face certain judgments but also because I truly hate to be in the spotlight.   I dislike people talking about us or fawning over us.  I hate to be the topic of conversation and often try to direct the talk to something different.  I'm just not comfortable with talking about me or having others focus on our family.   This time, though, I truly felt led to allow that focus to be on us, on me.  I feel like we have been presented with this situation because God trusts us to spread His love and His desires to others.  The sanctity of life has always been a huge passion of mine.  Here I have an opportunity to put my faith into action.  God is amazing with His ways! 

I fail so very often in my life... my life as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend and as a follower of Christ.  I fail over and over again.  Still, God continues to trust me, to forgive me, and to give me opportunities to succeed.  I can only hope that I will succeed in my efforts to proclaim the sanctity of all life now in this trial.  I know that I am going to have to depend fully on Him.  The prayers that we are receiving will help me stay focused on what God is calling us to do.  I pray that He works through this pregnancy to bring others to Him and to understand the importance of all life. 

Ups and Downs

Today was a day of ups and downs.  I saw a new perinatologist today.  I like him.  He had been highly recommended for many years but I had just continued to go to the one I had seen before.  Afterall, the previous doctor knew about Porphyria, a disease I suffer from, and that was a rarity.  I hated to leave him because of this fact.  But, he had a way of saying inappropriate things and while I loved his staff I thought it might be time to change. 

I had gone to another perinatologist for my first appointment and really loved him but unfortunately there was going to be insurance issues.  This doctor I saw today was one that Lynn  had suggested to me for years so I have him a try.  I wasn't disappointed.  He was very thorough, and what he didn't know about he said he would research.  He was engaging and kind and seemed like he was truly interested in what was going on in my world.  He also didn't try to scare me.  I appreciated that so much.

At my appointment today I had an ultrasound.  Our little baby was sitting snuggly inside.  At first he/she seemed to be dancing!  It was fun to watch as she took measurements of everything else.  As she focused on the baby he/she settled down and let her get all the measurements she needed.  We even saw the baby sucking it's thumb!  Precious couldn't describe it!  I cried the entire way through the ultrasound.  I just can't get over the fact that this little baby is doing well inside of my damaged uterus.... a uterus that shouldn't be able to hold another baby ever and yet here one grows!  It's very humbling to say the least.

Everything looked absolutely perfect on the baby.  The heartrate was 154.  To watch that tiny heart just beating away is amazing.  We had the nuchal fold test done and that was perfect as well.  The heart structures at this point look great and we'll see more next time.  For the moment this baby is doing so well.  I can only pray that my body will do it's job and hold this little one safely.  It would crush me if the only reason this baby lost it's life is because my body failed it.  I'm trying to focus on the positive though and not think about those sorts of things. 

The down part of the day was right before I walked out the door for my appointment.  The mailman came and had a certified letter for me to sign.  I had no clue what it could be.  As I opened it I could see it was from my OB's office.  It was an official letter telling me that they did not want to take me on through this pregnancy as I am too high risk.  The letter told me that continuing on with this pregnancy "threatens your life and the life of your baby".  My heart sank reading the words in the letter.  I cried. 

I immediately called the office and asked for Lynn to call me back.  We had just talked about me seeing one of the other doctors for a chance to stay there.  I needed to know what she thought I should do... do I keep that appointment and try to plead my case or do I just try to find someone else?  I didn't get a call back yet.  My next appointment there will fall before the 30 days they have given me to find a new provider.  I'm so lost.  I have no idea what I am going to do. 

Thankfully I received that letter before my appointment.  I say this because while at my appointment and watching my tiny baby on the screen I knew that in the end if I have to find another OB that it will be ok.  I prefer to stay with Lynn but if I can't then we'll find someone else.  The most important thing to keep my eye on is the end result... that both my baby and I are safe.  If we have to insure that elsewhere then I trust God to lead us to someone who can provide the care we need and deserve.  It's just so frustrating at times, especially given all that we've gone through. 

I have prayed hundreds and hundreds of prayers this pregnancy... prayers for my baby's safety, prayers for my safety, prayers for my family, prayers for the right providers, prayers to be pregnant just one more day, prayers of thanks for this opportunity to carry God's most precious gift.  Today I pray that I can accept all that goes on during this pregnancy and that I can trust God to lead us to those who we need in our lives to insure the safety of our baby and of myself.  I have told God over and over again that I will give my life no questions asked for this child but I have also prayed that if it is His will that He allows us both to make it through this pregnancy.  Above all, I pray for God's will in my life.  I know He has us firmly in His hands.  I just need to remember to trust Him completely and know that regardless of what happens with doctors, with family and friends when we announce this pregnancy, and ultimately what happens with our survival that God is in control, just as He should be.

Worth It All

Today has been a bad day all the way around.  I'm feeling very stressed and worried.  I will be announcing this pregnancy soon and I am worried about the things people are going to be saying, both to our faces and behind our backs.  I know people talk about our family already, even though our kids are amazing children and our family is very respectful of others.  Still, we are an oddity, probably not as odd as most think as I'm sure there are other families out there with this many children, but to most we are the only family like this that they know. 

Thinking about those comments has me worked up.  My kids are feeding off of that and are wild and crazy right now.  The extra noise, mess, and arguments are about to push me over the edge.  I took a time out today for myself and just stayed away from everyone.  I figured if they didn't see my anxious mood then they wouldn't feed off of it. 

I was asked why I felt I need to announce my pregnancy and that is a good question.  I guess really it's no one's business as to whether or not I'm pregnant now and the ins and outs of it all.  Still, I feel like I need to live my faith proudly and my faith tells me that every life is sacred, every life needs to be celebrated, and every life needs to be protected.  If I can help people understand that this pregnancy is that important to us not only as a family but as a faithful Catholic then I feel like I have to make that known.

If something happens to this baby I want to make sure that everyone knew this baby lived.  That he/she was wanted and cherished and loved so much that I was willing to risk everything for him/her.  If I don't make it through I want everyone to know why it was so important for me to try to bring this little one into the world.  I want people to stop and look at their lives and their priorities and I want them to see how important even the tiniest life truly is.  Ultimately, in this culture of death, I want this life to be seen as important, as special, as worth risking everything for. 

I've been near tears all day long.  I've let a few slide down my cheeks every now and again.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to be pregnant.  I'm scared of what could happen.  I'm scared to tell people and to face their criticism.  But as I sat here thinking about all these things I felt a few little kicks.  At that very moment those fears slipped away and I knew that regardless it is worth it all.  I know I'll worry this entire pregnancy but if I focus on those little kicks, those tiny reminders of that beautiful little one growing inside of me, then I know I can get through this.  I am so thankful to feel those movements.  They are such a blessing and a concrete way for me to stay focused. 

A Sigh of Relief

Today I had a regular OB appointment.  I went to the place that originally told me that they thought I was too high risk to be seen there.  I love the provider I made my appointment with.  I hate to call her my provider since she really is my friend.  She told me to schedule my next appointment with one of the other doctors who will hear me out and maybe think about seeing me through the pregnancy.  I sure hope so since I love this practice so very much and they have become family to me over the years.  They have delivered 7 of my 10 children so far.  The only reason they didn't deliver Jake is that I wanted to try to have him vaginally and my Madison had been their last VBAC baby ever in their office.  So, I had to find someone else to deliver Jake... if I had only known what was going to happen I never would have gone there.  But, we can't go back so we have to look forward.  I'm praying so hard that when I go back for my next appointment that the doctor I see will allow me to stay with them. 

While Lynn was examining me she found that at 12 weeks I'm measuring at 20 weeks.  Of course this wasn't a surprise since I have fibroids and now I have a Frankenuterus.  I normally measure large and it's never worried me before but now I know that I can't have that extra stress on my uterus so that scares me some.  I'm hoping that I don't run into problems sooner than expected. 

Lynn couldn't hear the baby's heart beat but I expected that too.  With my extra maternal fluff it makes it harder to hear.  So, we got a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.  We found the baby right away, wiggling around.  The heart beat was a steady 158... perfect.  It made me so happy to see.

I've been convinced since the moment I found out I am pregnant that this is a girl.  The symptoms I'm having just really go along with many of the girls I've had and none of the boys.  I've been wrong before, but only once.  I know that whatever the sex of the baby that the baby will be the exact little boy or girl that we need in our lives.  I know the boys will be a little disappointed if this is a girl.  They are hoping we'll round out the numbers a bit.   I know they are keeping their fingers crossed.  I'm not sure what I'd do if we have another boy inside of me!  We've never had boys one right after the other who have survived.  We have big gaps of time between boys with lots of girls in between.  It would be odd to have 2 boys so close together but I have a feeling that it would be so much fun too!

I worry though about being pregnant with another boy.  Our boys just aren't as strong as our girls. I would worry more I think if I find out this is a boy baby. Still, I know it doesn't matter what the sex is, this baby will be the perfect addition to our family.  God always knows just what we need when we need it and I know this baby, boy or girl, is going to be exactly what our family needs!

I'm breathing a sigh of relief to get to be pregnant for yet another day.  I'm praying I get to be pregnant much, much longer and bring this little one safely into the world.  I'm over the moon to feel the tiny movements that are already happening and beyond thrilled to know that a precious baby is growing under my heart.  I truly am blessed more than I ever deserve!

I Can Breathe Again!

It was a long morning at the doctor's office today.  They were so far behind after a flood in their offices.  The doctors were unable to consult with patients in their offices so they had to use exam rooms.  This made it so that all of the patients waiting to be seen had less rooms in which to be examined.  After 2 hours of waiting it was finally my time to consult with the doctor and hopefully get some answers. 

I was rather upset with the doctor by the end of my appointment.  She was a new OB for me and thus we had to go over my history.  At the end of our interview she asked if I had any concerns.  I told her about my experiences yesterday and through the night.  Even after hearing my whole history and what I was experiencing it seemed like she was unconcerned.  I thought for sure she's at least try to listen for the baby's heartbeat.  Instead she said we'd schedule an appointment for next week.  It took everything in me not to cry out. 

As we were leaving the exam room she stopped me and said, "You know, we should listen for fetal heart tones."  I told her I thought that was an excellent idea.  We went back into the room and she listened for the baby.  At 11 weeks 2 days it's iffy if you will hear the baby's heartbeat via a doppler, especially when you are overweight like I am.  She was unable to find the baby's heartbeat.  She decided that we would look with the ultrasound machine.  She turned it on and pressed the wand to my belly.   She looked and looked and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  I closed my eyes and prayed.  In the background there was music playing as she was searching.  The office has the music set to a spa station on sirius radio.  During the time she was listening for the baby's heart the song Ave Maria was playing!  I found so much peace in the fact that I was not alone in that room.  I know that God had me in His arms and that Mary was there holding my hand too.  Of course when we still couldn't find the baby's heartbeat I truly began to worry even knowing I had such strength holding me up.

The doctor decided to get one of the ultrasound technicians to come and try to find the baby's heartbeat.  It was a long wait for them to come back in the room.  All I could do was pray and tell God that I trusted Him.  They finally came into the room.

The tech put the wand on my belly, swished it around a couple of times and found our little one with no problem.  She said, "Oh goodness!  Look at it just flipping around in there!"  The baby was very active and we could see little arms and little legs moving.  I began to cry.  I couldn't stop.  I can't tell you the relief I felt at that very moment.  The doctor came over to me and held my hand and told me it was ok.  I know she felt bad for not being able to find the baby's heartbeat by either doppler or ultrasound and how it caused me so much fear and stress.  She was so caring and kind to me.  I appreciated it so much.  The tech measured the baby's heart rate, it was 157... absolutely perfect. 

 

 

The doctor told me that because my uterus is so damaged that probably I will feel a lot more pain during my pregnancy.  I am going to try not to get so scared every time it happens.  I know that the further along I get in this pregnancy the more likely I am to have more intense pains.  I know those can signify something going very wrong in my body.  I'm not sure how I am going to get through it but I know I will. 

 

God answered my prayers today.  I am able to hold my tiny baby in me another day.  I feel so blessed and so thankful.  My heart is so full of love for this little one who grows inside of me.  I thank God each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to bed for another day to be a part of this miracle of life.  I can only hope that I am able to see this through.  I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this baby in my arms one day.  I pray I am so lucky. 

Worried

Tonight has been a bad night.  I'm not sure what is going on but I'm in a lot of pain.  I'm cramping and having some contractions.  I have felt sick to my stomach (that is different from morning sickness) all day long.  I had mentioned it to Mike earlier and he just laughed and said, "Maybe you're pregnant!"  Unfortunately it wasn't the regular run-of-the-mill pregnancy sickness I have been feeling.  It's very different. 

I've tried everything I know to do... I've been flooding my body with water in case I'm just dehydrated.  I've been laying on my left side.  I've taken a warm bath.  I'm trying to calm my breathing and my nerves.  Nothing is working.  I feel very much like I did all day the day I lost William.  I'm worried that I am going to go into full blown labor like I did with him.  I'm scared out of my mind. 

I'm going to lay in the bed and pray.  Either it will help calm my nerves or it will help put me to sleep but either way I know that praying always helps me.  I have a feeling if I am so lucky as to not lose this baby that my rosary will take up a permanent place in my hands. 

I don't want to lose this baby.  I have an appointment in the morning so I'm praying that they will be able to tell me something, anything.  I'm praying that when we look at the baby I'll still see a beating heart.  I'm desperate to see my little one.  I need to know that he/she is ok.  The reality of possibly losing this little one is almost too much to bear but it's a probability that I've known could exist from the start.  I just don't want to experience the loss of my last baby.  How will my heart survive if there's no heartbeat?  I think my own heart will stop beating too.