Halloween... the Real Deal!

Halloween is here!  We were able to carve our pumpkins last night.  Mike did one and Garrett did the other.  Mike has decided that Garrett does such good work he's now going to be the official pumpkin carver.  I think it's a good idea.  Mike's been at the job for a long, long time.  It's time to pass the torch!

The kids were so excited when I finally allowed them to get out all the Halloween decor and costumes so they could decide what to be.  Garrett looks funny in the back all gross and bloody when everyone else is so cute and innocent looking.  Of course the others weren't setting up scary music and strobe lights or carrying around a machete to scare kids so I suppose his costume is pretty perfect considering all he was planning to do.

 

I loved all the costumes that the kids decided to be.  They all looked great and really, they were all easy to do this year.  No one required any real work so that was nice!  Most years we spend hours doing makeup to turn a kid into a zombie or a witch or a vampire.  We like to get pretty realistic so it takes a while.  This year I only had to put a beard on Bella.  Kaylie did Emma's whiskers and Garrett did his own makeup so it was a breeze to get them ready to go. 

 

 

 



I was super happy that Mike decided to take the kids trick-or-treating.  I had been worried about walking around so much.  I know that the extra stress would not be good.  He was able to get home and take them out.  They had so much fun!  Garrett stayed behind to scare kids.  Kaylie stayed to hand out candy and Jake stayed because I didn't think he really needed to be out in the cool night air plus, at 7 months old he really didn't need any candy.  Thankfully it was his bedtime about the time they left so it was actually really quiet here for a couple hours.  It was a much needed break!

Overall I think the Halloween season went well.  Garrett, Kaylie and Mike went to Netherworld in Atlanta.  Mike was able to get free tickets to Fright Fest at Six Flags so he took Savannah, Emma, and Bella with him.  All the kids loved what they got to dress up as to trick-or-treat and they all got a nice, but not overwhelming, amount of goodies.  As much as I was dreading it, the holiday was fun and perfect.

Halloween

Halloween is rapidly coming up and I'm so not ready.  My kids love the holiday and we normally go all out.  The kids keep asking if we can get out the boxes of decorations and costumes so they can go through it.  I'm just not ready for the mess and noise that comes along with getting all of that out.  Still, I know we'll have to do it soon. 

This weekend we also have a youth group Halloween scavanger hunt to go to.  That should be fun.  When we've done it before the kids have had tons of fun and we make some great memories from it.  Savannah and Garrett have been looking forward to it for a while now.  Garrett bought himself a new mask for Halloween.  It's awesome.... very scary!  He can't wait to wear it both on Saturday and at our house on Halloween to scare kids as they come for candy. 

After Halloween is over I know the time is going to start flying by.  Christmas will be here in just 2 months!  I'm going to have so much to do and am praying I won't be put on bedrest before Christmas.  When I was pregnant with William I was put on bedrest.  It made the time before the holiday very hard.  I made the terrible decision to go shopping one day and I still worry and wonder if somehow that made it so that I lost William.  The doctor assures me that it wasn't but still, I can't help but worry about it.  The guilt is sometimes overwhelming.  If I am put on bedrest again I'm not getting up out of the bed for anything, especially to shop.  Hopefully it won't come down to that though. 

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I need to get through Halloween first.  I still have a week to get ready.... that should be more than enough time!

Beautiful

Our little peanut is nestled all nice and snug inside of me.  I love how much he/she has already changed in just a weeks time.  I am so in love with this little one already.  It's amazing to me that something so small and so wonderful is growing quietly inside of me. 

Today I saw the specialist.  I really liked him.  It's a new doctor for me.  For most of my pregnancies I've had to see a perinatologist but this time I was encouraged to find one that would deliver at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  There aren't many who have come as highly recommended as Dr. Bootstaylor.  He had such a calming personality.  While he was concerned about our situation he didn't seem like it was the end of the world.  That made me feel a little better.  I'm praying that this will work out.  We may have some insurance issues so I'm not holding my breath too long.  But, I am holding out hope that he is the one who will see me through this pregnancy. 

So far baby looks great and I feel ok.  I'm having a few issues but nothing major so I'm pretty happy about that.  I started insulin injections today.  I'm praying that this pregnancy we can really control my gestational diabetes.  So far every pregnancy since Isabella in 2003 I've needed insulin to control it.  Thankfully though as soon as I deliver the baby it goes away immediately.  I'm hoping that will be the biggest of all my problems.

I'm excited for the possiblities that this doctor brings.  I'm hopeful that we can get through this pregnancy safely.  I'm praying that God has brought me to the right doctor. 

Little Fingers

On Saturday night I was trying to get Jake to sleep.  I often listen to music with him or I pray the rosary out loud while he is in my arms.  Both seem to help calm him and help him drift off to much needed sleep.  Saturday night was no different and as I held Jake in my arms we listened to Celine Dion's, "My Precious One" as well as many other songs on her CD "Miracle: A Celebration of New Life". 

He way laying in the crook of my arm, snuggled down deep beside me in the bed.  He gently sucked the milk from his bottle and looked up at me.  He reached out to stroke my face.  I caught his tiny hand and held it.  I quietly rubbed his fingers and he rolled his eyes back and settled in. 

As the song played and I looked at my son I became very overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts.  I began thinking about how if something happens to me that he will never remember me, he's just too young.  He won't have memories of us snuggling in bed, listening to lullabyes and of me stroking his hand and face.  He won't remember me praying out loud for him, the soft prayers helping him to quiet down.  He won't remember me.  I started to cry. 

I have no doubts or reservations that bringing this baby into the world is the right thing to do.  I already love this baby every bit as much as any of my other children.  But sometimes the thought of not getting to hold this baby, not getting to sing to this baby, of some of my children not remembering me is just too much to bear and I can't help but cry. 

I was only 2 years old when my father died. I was older than Jake now and I have only two faint memories of him.  If something happens to me this baby I am carrying now will never know me and Jake, who is only 7 months, won't either. Oh how that pierces my heart!  I want my children to all know and remember me. I want them to know how much I loved them.  How much they meant to me.  How much I would give for them.  I want them to remember us laughing, playing, reading, singing, praying.  I want them to think of me making dinner and remember how irritated I would get as I was asked 700 times "what's for dinner?"  I want them to never forget sitting around a campfire in our backyard cooking s'mores, telling stories and laughing. 

Those tears that I cried weren't only for my children but for me.  I want to see each of my kids graduate, get married, and have babies of their own.  I want us to have huge family Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinners.  I want my kids to be excited to come visit me and for us to come visit them.  There are so many thing I want out of life too.  I don't want to lose all of it. 

This cross seems awfully heavy to carry sometimes.  I know that I have others who are willing to help me carry this cross.  I know that Christ's cross was so much heavier than my own.  I feel blessed that He feels I am worthy to carry such a cross.  I know with my faith and trust in God that I will carry it in the way He wants me to.  Like Jake, my fingers are little in comparison to Christ's.  Just as I stroke Jake's and hold his hand, I know that God is doing the same for me.  That makes me feel safer and that I can rest in Him.

My Journey Through Grief

 

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day.  It's a special day for so many of us.  It is a day where we can honor our children and not feel bad for doing so.  Let me explain...

Losing a child can be such a taboo subject.  Many people are not quite sure how to approach the topic and so often times it is overlooked.  There aren't cards in the store that say, "I'm sorry you lost your baby".  Many time people don't know what to say so they don't say anything.  Those who haven't experienced loss might feel like they are bringing up too much pain for the person who is grieving the loss of their little one.   Sometimes those of us who have lost a child don't want to make others uncomfortable so we don't talk about our loss, our pain, or about how our whole lives have been changed.  We suffer in silence.  Today is the one day out of the year that it is expected that we can talk about how much we miss our babies. 

I have thought a lot about this subject over the years.  I think in many cases those who have never suffered a loss are not able to completely understand what we are going through.  And rightfully so.  I can't say I understand what a widower is feeling.  I've never lost my husband.  I can't say what it feels like to lose someone through suicide as no one I have ever been close to has ever killed themselves.  I may not know the "right" thing to say in those situations.  It stands to reason then that those who have never lost a child might also struggle with how to handle helping a friend through a miscarriage or the loss of a child during birth or after birth.  If I could impart one thing to those who have never lost a child it would be to talk about your friend's baby. Tell them that you are thinking of them. Tell the that you feel sad for all they have gone through. Tell them that you are praying for them. Ask them how they are doing. Help them not feel so alone.  Asking about their baby and how they are doing will show them how much you love them.

I'll be honest, I didn't alway think this way.  Truthfully it used to hurt me so much that my losses were never talked about.  It wasn't until I met others who had been through losses that I began to understand.  I had always felt very alone.  Many days I still do.  My pain and my experiences are different from everyone else's.  No one can truly understand what it feels like to go through what we did with each of our losses but especially with William.  The trauma was almost too much to bear.  Still, even though someone might not know my specific pain they can know the pain of losing a child. While the experiences are different the loss of life, the loss of hopes and dreams, and the struggles deep in our hearts are often the same.  That gives me a little bit of hope to know that I'm not truly alone. 

Still, there are some days that even though I feel I am moving forward I actually am at a standstill.  I had a day like this recently.  I wrote an article over at the CatholicSistas website about that day. It was published today in honor of our losses.  You can read it here if you'd like.  That day, while sitting at William's grave I cried tears of pain and sorrow.  I prayed to God to help me with the pain.  I wondered why I had to go through it.  Shouldn't I be starting to "be over it" by now?  What I discovered was that grief does not follow any rules.  It comes when it wants and abates when it's ready.  I know that it is something I will always deal with. I will never be "over it".  I know some days will be ones that I can get through and others will reduce me to an emotional mess.  I just wish I knew which days would be which, but I don't.  Grief sneaks up on you and overtakes you so quickly.  It is swift and often without warning. 

I'm praying that we don't have to face more loss and grief.  We have had so much of it in our lives.  We have fought through it and are battle-scarred and worn but we have survived.  I know our losses have helped make us the people we are today.... all our experiences do.  I know that they have helped me truly understand how very precious life is.  I know that they have helped me be more understanding and compassionate.  I know that they are helping me fight this fight I am currently waging.  They have made me strong.  They have made me courageous.  They have made me understand the sanctity of life in a way I don't think I could have understood before.  They have shown me God's love in the tiniest hands and feet I've ever seen.  They have shown me perfection.  For that I am forever grateful. 

Unnerved

Yesterday for much of the day I was cramping.  I know that cramping in early pregnancy can be normal.  I've had it in many of my pregnancies. I also know it can signify something wrong.  It can be a precursor to miscarriage.  So when I started cramping I started worrying.  Of course all the worrying in the world will do nothing for me, but I worried anyway.

I'm pretty sure that it was normal cramping.  Probably things "settling" in and my body getting used to having a little occupant inside of my womb.  Each pain was a small reminder that of how things might go with this pregnancy.  It scared me and really brought home what might happen.  It makes me worried.  I'm trying my hardest to put my trust in God but sometimes even that is hard. 

We have been through so much.  We have experienced so much loss, so much heartache, so much pain.  I don't want to go through more pain.  I don't want my family to go through pain.  I'm praying with all my heart that we will experience joy at the end of this pregnancy.  I can handle some physical discomfort and pain but I'm not sure how I will handle emotional and spiritual pain.  I'm praying so hard that we don't have to. 

Perfection

It was a very good day today....

 

 

 

Today I saw our little one again.  S/he has grown perfectly and the heart rate was 145, also perfect.  While in the picture the baby looks just like a blob on the screen we could see the baby wiggling and moving.  I had to hold my breath and be so still in order for us to be able to get the heart rate because with me moving and the baby moving it was almost impossible to get!  Still, we managed and what a beautiful sight it was. 

 

I never cease to be amazed by the miracle of life.  I have had so many ultrasounds and each one of them makes me catch my breath.  To see that tiny life growing and living in me is almost more than I can wrap both my mind and heart around!  I am so thankful that God is letting me participate in this miracle for one last time. 

 

I have to say that today made my day.  To know that our little one is giving it's all to survive makes me that much more determined to do all I can to help bring him/her into the world.  There was never a doubt what I would do but to be honest I felt like I might be fighting a losing battle.  The thing is, we may still lose, but I know we will both fight our hardest and that brings me comfort. 

 

I am praying so very hard that we both make it through this pregnancy.  I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this little one in my arms and know that we both worked so hard and accomplished a tremendous feat. 

 

My baby is already a fighter.  So am I.  We are going to fight this together and hopefully win!  Even if we don't "win" I know that we will truly have won. 

Tired

I'm so tired.  I wish I could sleep.  I'm sick to my stomach a lot of the time but I never throw up.  I have to pee all the time.  I can't sleep.  I want chocolate.  Diet coke is tasting weird.  My hyper sense of smell is even more heightened.  Did I mention I'm tired? 

I feel so pregnant.  This is a good thing! I'm going to try to enjoy every miserable minute of it!

A Good Day

I had my first ultrasound today.  I told the technician that I thought the baby would be smaller than what the doctor was thinking because I knew that I had to of ovulated so late.  If I hadn't ovulated late I wouldn't be on the table for an ultrasound.  She laughed and said "We'll see." 

It's funny that despite how many ultrasounds I've had in my life I am never less than amazed to see a tiny life growing inside of me.  It was hard to see that slow fluttering but we caught a glimpse of it.  We couldn't measure it as it was too slow but at least the heart was beating!  That gave me such hope that this little one is going to try to make it!

She did the measurements and said, "You were right on."  I had no doubt that the baby would measure according to my dates but it was nice to hear that I was right.  We finished up and she said she'd go talk to the doctor to see what he wanted me to do next.

It took a little bit but she finally returned and said the doctor wanted me to have a follow up ultrasound in a week.  He wanted to make sure our little one's heart was beating stronger and that my measurements were increasing the right way. 

I left there with a huge smile on my face.  Right now our baby is alive!  It's little bitty heart is fluttering and she is fighting for life.  I am fighting for life too... both for my baby and for me.  I pray that my little one won't give up.  I know I never will. 

Confirmed

I went to my OBs office today to confirm my pregnancy.  I normally go in much earlier, like the moment I have a positive test, but I knew that I would only worry myself more if I went in too early. 

I went to the doctor's office that has delivered 7 of my 10 children.  They are like family to me.  I hated to not use them in the last few pregnancies but they changed their policies regarding having vbacs (vaginal births after a c-section) and I knew that I was capable of having a normal vaginal birth since I had done so two times with them.  I would be the last vbac their office would do and that was with Madison.  During my pregnancies with Joseph, Sarah, and William I would go to a different practice.  I hated going there though.  The doctor, while highly skilled and recommended, had no bedside manner and was so rude and uncaring during my losses.  Maybe one day I'll write about his care but today I just don't think I can.  

Because I didn't like the care from this doctor I chose another practice during my pregnancy with Jake.  They would allow me to try a vbac as well.  I liked many of the midwives there and the doctors seemed nice enough.  Still, they weren't like family.  Because of all that happened with Jake I am hesitant to go back there to see them.  Because I know I'll have to have a c-section for sure this time I decided to go back to where I feel safest, loved, and at home.  It was nice to walk in there today and see the faces I have seen for years, the people who can name all my children, and the people who are interested in what is going on not just in my pregnancy but in our lives as well. 

I thought I was just going to do a urine test and be scheduled for a follow up visit.  Instead I got to see one of the doctors.  I was so disappointed when he sat me down and told me that he didn't think they were going to be able to follow me through my pregnancy.  He felt I was too high risk and that they didn't have the means to make sure I would be safe.  He suggested I find a doctor that would deliver me at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  Emory has the state of the art equipment that could save both my baby and me if something should happen.  I told him that while I was very sad that they couldn't see me I also was very happy that he was upfront with me.  My main concern is for my baby's and my welfare.  If he thought we'd be safest with another practice then I would start looking.

He did say they could follow me for a short while and that he's like to do an ultrasound tomorrow to check for viability.  I'm so nervous!  While I am feeling pregnant I'm not prepared to see an ultrasound tomorrow.  What happens if the baby has no heartbeat yet?  What happens if they see something wrong already.  As scared as I am about this pregnancy I'm more scared of losing another child.  I know we would get through it but I just can't face that right now. 

Tomorrow is either going to be a very good day or a very bad day.  I'm praying so hard that the day will be good.