Confirmed

I went to my OBs office today to confirm my pregnancy.  I normally go in much earlier, like the moment I have a positive test, but I knew that I would only worry myself more if I went in too early. 

I went to the doctor's office that has delivered 7 of my 10 children.  They are like family to me.  I hated to not use them in the last few pregnancies but they changed their policies regarding having vbacs (vaginal births after a c-section) and I knew that I was capable of having a normal vaginal birth since I had done so two times with them.  I would be the last vbac their office would do and that was with Madison.  During my pregnancies with Joseph, Sarah, and William I would go to a different practice.  I hated going there though.  The doctor, while highly skilled and recommended, had no bedside manner and was so rude and uncaring during my losses.  Maybe one day I'll write about his care but today I just don't think I can.  

Because I didn't like the care from this doctor I chose another practice during my pregnancy with Jake.  They would allow me to try a vbac as well.  I liked many of the midwives there and the doctors seemed nice enough.  Still, they weren't like family.  Because of all that happened with Jake I am hesitant to go back there to see them.  Because I know I'll have to have a c-section for sure this time I decided to go back to where I feel safest, loved, and at home.  It was nice to walk in there today and see the faces I have seen for years, the people who can name all my children, and the people who are interested in what is going on not just in my pregnancy but in our lives as well. 

I thought I was just going to do a urine test and be scheduled for a follow up visit.  Instead I got to see one of the doctors.  I was so disappointed when he sat me down and told me that he didn't think they were going to be able to follow me through my pregnancy.  He felt I was too high risk and that they didn't have the means to make sure I would be safe.  He suggested I find a doctor that would deliver me at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  Emory has the state of the art equipment that could save both my baby and me if something should happen.  I told him that while I was very sad that they couldn't see me I also was very happy that he was upfront with me.  My main concern is for my baby's and my welfare.  If he thought we'd be safest with another practice then I would start looking.

He did say they could follow me for a short while and that he's like to do an ultrasound tomorrow to check for viability.  I'm so nervous!  While I am feeling pregnant I'm not prepared to see an ultrasound tomorrow.  What happens if the baby has no heartbeat yet?  What happens if they see something wrong already.  As scared as I am about this pregnancy I'm more scared of losing another child.  I know we would get through it but I just can't face that right now. 

Tomorrow is either going to be a very good day or a very bad day.  I'm praying so hard that the day will be good.