In Reverse

This weekend I went on retreat in the North Georgia mountains with Garrett and Savannah.  I had been planning on going even before I found out I was pregnant.  When I found out I was expecting I worried about whether I should go or not.  I decided that at this point in my pregnancy there isn't much risk to me although there is a risk for miscarriage.  I also know that there is nothing I can do at this point to stop a miscarriage and that I have not shown any signs of miscarriage.  I decided that I could go without risk to me or the baby.  I also decided to go because I know that if things should go bad later on in my pregnancy that this may be the last time I am able to do something like this with my older kids.  I want them to have the memories of me being there and being with them.

The retreat was called, "In Reverse".  We looked at the Our Father and the meaning behind each part of the prayer.  I was asked prior to the retreat to do a talk on "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done."  At the time I was asked I didn't think much about it but now, being pregnant, it took on a completely different meaning for me.  As I gave my talk I told the kids how it was always important to put God's will above our own, even when it was hard to do.  We don't pray, "MY kingdom come, MY will be done".  We should always pray that God's will be done in our lives.  We want His kingdom to be here on earth with us and in order to achieve this we must be willing to let His will work throughout all areas of our lives.  I impressed upon them that this won't always be an easy prayer to pray. It's much easier to not go by God's will, to just do what makes us happy.  However, there are much greater rewards for us when we follow God's path instead of our own. 

I told them that leaving our fertility up to God was one of the ways that I allow God's will in my life.  Most of the kids there had no idea what happened during Jake's birth or that I shouldn't ever have another child again.  I don't think that they would have been surprised if they found out that I am expecting.  I know the adults in the room would have understood just what that meant but most of the kids would have no idea.  I wished I could tell them what I was going through.  How sometimes when you say yes to God's will in your life that God asks so much of you in return.  But that when you say yes to Him that the blessings you receive are so much greater than we could ever hope for. 

Following God in all aspects of our lives is hard. It's so contrary to what society pushes on us... do what you want! Do what makes you feel good! Me! Me! Me!  Instead, it's sacrificing our own wants for something more.  It's saying, not my will but Yours.  It's one of the most difficult things to do.  Most of us may be able to do it in some areas of our lives but perhaps not all.  Most of us have a hang up here or there that keeps us from committing our whole selves to God.  We need to find those areas and work on giving them to Him.  We have to pray that God helps us put all our trust in Him.  He knows what He's doing and His plan is always so much better than our own. 

I came home from the retreat renewed in my faith.  I know what we are doing is the right thing to do.  I never had a doubt about that but the retreat helped me to know that when we announce that this baby is on the way that it won't matter what others say about us... we know that we are honoring God by accepting His gift of life.  We are loving our child in a way that is like no other.  We are imitating Christ's love by being willing to give up my life so that another may live.  As I sat in Adoration during the retreat I could see Christ present there in the chapel with me.  I could feel Him, I could sense Him and I could hear Him.  He would give no less for me so I will give no less for my child. 

I am so thankful I was able to go on the retreat with the kids.  I love our youth group, love spending time not only with my own children but with so many amazing teens as well as the insightful and faithful adult leaders of our group as well.  We not only connect with God but we connected with each other.  It recentered me and helped me to overcome some of those fears that have been gathering in the back of my mind.  I know that I will still struggle with those fears but this weekend showed me that even when I feel I am alone, I'm not.  Besides this tiny little one growing snuggly in my womb, God is always right beside me... He shows Himself in prayer, in my friends, in the kids, in nature, in the silence and in the songs. 

Not my will Lord, but Yours be done.