I decided that I was going to tell the kids right away that we are expecting another baby. I know it might seem like a bad idea but if something happens to either me or the baby (or both of us) I want the kids to know how much I loved this little one from the very beginning and that I am happy that he/she is on the way. I want them to be able to enjoy as much of the pregnancy as well. I know that they are going to be excited, they always are, and I want them to be able to have that excitment as long as possible. I also know that I am going to need their help. It won't be long before the exhaustion and nausea begin and I know that the more help I have the better I will be able to get through it.
I decided to tell Garrett, Savannah, and Emma first. Kaylie is at work and I know that she is going to be the one who takes it the hardest. I'm actually happy she's gone so that I can tell her alone. I called the next three oldest into my room and tell them we need to talk about something. Savannah lights up like a Christmas tree and says excitedly, "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant aren't you?!" I tell her yes. She squeals with delight. I hear Garrett let his breath out. I look at him and see the concern in his eyes. I face Savannah again and say, "I am pregnant and while it's a very, very good thing it's also something that can be very bad for me." Garrett shakes his head in agreement. It dawns on Savannah what I mean by this. Suddenly her face is more somber.
We talk about how it is ok to be excited and happy but we also need to know that there are major risks that will follow with me going through with this pregnancy. I impress on them how very much I love all of them and would gladly give my life for any one of them. Then I tell them that this little one is every bit as important and that I am willing to give my life for him/her as well. They understand. I tell them that if I don't make it through the pregnancy I don't want them to think that I didn't love them enough to not risk my life but that I love them so much that I knew they would want me to be true to God's will in my life. Of course they knew this already but I felt the need to make sure they understood. I told them that I would need extra help this time around and that I needed them to pray. They are such amazing kids. While they are scared they are so excited that we are welcoming another life into our family. They are also proud that I would stand up for life even if it means giving up my own. Their encouragement was exactly what I needed!
Next I called Isabella, Anna, and Ben into my room and sat them down. I had decided to only tell them that I am pregnant but not all the risks that are going to be involved with carrying this child. I told them we are expecting and they were so joyful! They cheered and told me that they were so happy. Then Ben looked at me and said, "But Mama, you almost died giving birth to Jake, you aren't supposed to have any more babies, you might die." Oh that was like a sword piercing my heart! I looked at that sweet face so full of concern and told him that he was right. I told him that although we were told not to have any more babies that God saw fit to let us have one anyway and that we were going to trust Him. I also told them that I was willing to give my life for any one of them and that I would give my life for this baby too. He nodded his head and said, "Oh Mama, I know you would! I love you!" God has blessed me so richly with these children! I reminded them that I would need extra help and that this was a secret until we decide to tell everyone that we are having a baby. I told them under no circumstances are they to tell the little girls... those two won't keep a secret for sure! They promised to keep our secret. They said they couldn't wait for our baby to get here. Oh how I love these children.
Kaylie would come home from work later and I took her alone in our room to tell her the news. She was quiet. I think she expected to hear the news at some point but it still took her off guard. We talked about the risks and she told me that she knew there was no other choice than to have the baby. I know she's scared and she told me that she will probably cry over it when she's alone. My heart hurst so much! I hate that she's hurting and so worried. I know how much she means to me and I know how much I mean to her. I know it would be devastating to all the kids if I should die but I know she will be one of them that has the hardest time with it. I pray, if only for her sake, that God will let me live through this experience. Not only does this little baby inside of me need me but my other children do as well.
It was a hard day today. I know our kids are worried and yet they are so excited as well. It's funny how they each know that despite the risks and the odds against us that there is only one option for us. They each respect life so much already that they know it is an honor to be able to defend it and to sacrifice for it. I pray that God will allow both the baby and me to make it through this pregnancy. It would be the greatest gift ever to give my kids. I am praying so hard that God doesn't call our baby home to Him and that He allows me to be here for a long time to come to be with my family on earth. They need me so much too.
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