In Reverse

This weekend I went on retreat in the North Georgia mountains with Garrett and Savannah.  I had been planning on going even before I found out I was pregnant.  When I found out I was expecting I worried about whether I should go or not.  I decided that at this point in my pregnancy there isn't much risk to me although there is a risk for miscarriage.  I also know that there is nothing I can do at this point to stop a miscarriage and that I have not shown any signs of miscarriage.  I decided that I could go without risk to me or the baby.  I also decided to go because I know that if things should go bad later on in my pregnancy that this may be the last time I am able to do something like this with my older kids.  I want them to have the memories of me being there and being with them.

The retreat was called, "In Reverse".  We looked at the Our Father and the meaning behind each part of the prayer.  I was asked prior to the retreat to do a talk on "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done."  At the time I was asked I didn't think much about it but now, being pregnant, it took on a completely different meaning for me.  As I gave my talk I told the kids how it was always important to put God's will above our own, even when it was hard to do.  We don't pray, "MY kingdom come, MY will be done".  We should always pray that God's will be done in our lives.  We want His kingdom to be here on earth with us and in order to achieve this we must be willing to let His will work throughout all areas of our lives.  I impressed upon them that this won't always be an easy prayer to pray. It's much easier to not go by God's will, to just do what makes us happy.  However, there are much greater rewards for us when we follow God's path instead of our own. 

I told them that leaving our fertility up to God was one of the ways that I allow God's will in my life.  Most of the kids there had no idea what happened during Jake's birth or that I shouldn't ever have another child again.  I don't think that they would have been surprised if they found out that I am expecting.  I know the adults in the room would have understood just what that meant but most of the kids would have no idea.  I wished I could tell them what I was going through.  How sometimes when you say yes to God's will in your life that God asks so much of you in return.  But that when you say yes to Him that the blessings you receive are so much greater than we could ever hope for. 

Following God in all aspects of our lives is hard. It's so contrary to what society pushes on us... do what you want! Do what makes you feel good! Me! Me! Me!  Instead, it's sacrificing our own wants for something more.  It's saying, not my will but Yours.  It's one of the most difficult things to do.  Most of us may be able to do it in some areas of our lives but perhaps not all.  Most of us have a hang up here or there that keeps us from committing our whole selves to God.  We need to find those areas and work on giving them to Him.  We have to pray that God helps us put all our trust in Him.  He knows what He's doing and His plan is always so much better than our own. 

I came home from the retreat renewed in my faith.  I know what we are doing is the right thing to do.  I never had a doubt about that but the retreat helped me to know that when we announce that this baby is on the way that it won't matter what others say about us... we know that we are honoring God by accepting His gift of life.  We are loving our child in a way that is like no other.  We are imitating Christ's love by being willing to give up my life so that another may live.  As I sat in Adoration during the retreat I could see Christ present there in the chapel with me.  I could feel Him, I could sense Him and I could hear Him.  He would give no less for me so I will give no less for my child. 

I am so thankful I was able to go on the retreat with the kids.  I love our youth group, love spending time not only with my own children but with so many amazing teens as well as the insightful and faithful adult leaders of our group as well.  We not only connect with God but we connected with each other.  It recentered me and helped me to overcome some of those fears that have been gathering in the back of my mind.  I know that I will still struggle with those fears but this weekend showed me that even when I feel I am alone, I'm not.  Besides this tiny little one growing snuggly in my womb, God is always right beside me... He shows Himself in prayer, in my friends, in the kids, in nature, in the silence and in the songs. 

Not my will Lord, but Yours be done. 

Telling the Kids

I decided that I was going to tell the kids right away that we are expecting another baby.  I know it might seem like a bad idea but if something happens to either me or the baby (or both of us) I want the kids to know how much I loved this little one from the very beginning and that I am happy that he/she is on the way.  I want them to be able to enjoy as much of the pregnancy as well.  I know that they are going to be excited, they always are, and I want them to be able to have that excitment as long as possible.  I also know that I am going to need their help.  It won't be long before the exhaustion and nausea begin and I know that the more help I have the better I will be able to get through it. 

I decided to tell Garrett, Savannah, and Emma first.  Kaylie is at work and I know that she is going to be the one who takes it the hardest.  I'm actually happy she's gone so that I can tell her alone.  I called the next three oldest into my room and tell them we need to talk about something.  Savannah lights up like a Christmas tree and says excitedly, "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant aren't you?!"  I tell her yes.  She squeals with delight.  I hear Garrett let his breath out.  I look at him and see the concern in his eyes.  I face Savannah again and say, "I am pregnant and while it's a very, very good thing it's also something that can be very bad for me."  Garrett shakes his head in agreement.  It dawns on Savannah what I mean by this.  Suddenly her face is more somber.

We talk about how it is ok to be excited and happy but we also need to know that there are major risks that will follow with me going through with this pregnancy.  I impress on them how very much I love all of them and would gladly give my life for any one of them.  Then I tell them that this little one is every bit as important and that I am willing to give my life for him/her as well.  They understand.  I tell them that if I don't make it through the pregnancy I don't want them to think that I didn't love them enough to not risk my life but that I love them so much that I knew they would want me to be true to God's will in my life.  Of course they knew this already but I felt the need to make sure they understood.  I told them that I would need extra help this time around and that I needed them to pray.  They are such amazing kids.  While they are scared they are so excited that we are welcoming another life into our family.  They are also proud that I would stand up for life even if it means giving up my own.  Their encouragement was exactly what I needed!

Next I called Isabella, Anna, and Ben into my room and sat them down.  I had decided to only tell them that I am pregnant but not all the risks that are going to be involved with carrying this child.  I told them we are expecting and they were so joyful!  They cheered and told me that they were so happy.  Then Ben looked at me and said, "But Mama, you almost died giving birth to Jake, you aren't supposed to have any more babies, you might die."  Oh that was like a sword piercing my heart!  I looked at that sweet face so full of concern and told him that he was right.  I told him that although we were told not to have any more babies that God saw fit to let us have one anyway and that we were going to trust Him.  I also told them that I was willing to give my life for any one of them and that I would give my life for this baby too.  He nodded his head and said, "Oh Mama, I know you would! I love you!"   God has blessed me so richly with these children!  I reminded them that I would need extra help and that this was a secret until we decide to tell everyone that we are having a baby.   I told them under no circumstances are they to tell the little girls... those two won't keep a secret for sure!  They promised to keep our secret. They said they couldn't wait for our baby to get here.  Oh how I love these children. 

Kaylie would come home from work later and I took her alone in our room to tell her the news.  She was quiet.  I think she expected to hear the news at some point but it still took her off guard.  We talked about the risks and she told me that she knew there was no other choice than to have the baby.  I know she's scared and she told me that she will probably cry over it when she's alone. My heart hurst so much! I hate that she's hurting and so worried.  I know how much she means to me and I know how much I mean to her.  I know it would be devastating to all the kids if I should die but I know she will be one of them that has the hardest time with it.  I pray, if only for her sake, that God will let me live through this experience.  Not only does this little baby inside of me need me but my other children do as well. 

It was a hard day today. I know our kids are worried and yet they are so excited as well.  It's funny how they each know that despite the risks and the odds against us that there is only one option for us.  They each respect life so much already that they know it is an honor to be able to defend it and to sacrifice for it.  I pray that God will allow both the baby and me to make it through this pregnancy.  It would be the greatest gift ever to give my kids.  I am praying so hard that God doesn't call our baby home to Him and that He allows me to be here for a long time to come to be with my family on earth.  They need me so much too.

Together Through It All

I told Mike about the baby tonight.  It was hard to tell him.   I told him that we needed to talk.  I told him that we were expecting a baby.  I don't think he believed me at first.  I started to cry.  I told him that I was scared.  We sat together quietly.  We held hands.  We cried.

How did this happen?  I knew this was going to be one of Mike's first questions.  We had been so careful.  We knew we had to avoid pregnancy and had chosen to follow our faith and use Natural Family Planning.  We know it works and works well.  We were diligent to the point that abstaining was affecting our marriage.  Never before had we had a barrier between us.  We could be together whenever we wanted.  Now we had to check the calendar and check all the signs of fertility before we could be together.  It was a strain for sure.  Still, knowing how important it was that we not get pregnant we followed the rules to the letter. Plus, we knew that using artificial birth control wasn't something that we could use as it was so clearly against our faith and beliefs.  So how could I be pregnant if we were so very careful?

I told Mike that I believed stress played a very big role in how I got pregnant.  We had gone to the funeral for our friend's baby boy.  It was hard on us.  It was a huge reminder of our own losses especially of William.  It was hard to see him, to see the pain that our friends were going through, to go to the cemetery to see him buried, to hear his mother crying beside his grave.  It was hard to see Mike cry.  It was hard for me to hold back my own tears.  I would sob all the way home from the funeral, grieving for our own baby and all our losses, including the loss of our fertility.  I believe that the stress of the pain we were in caused me to ovulate much later than I should have.  Had that week been a normal week I have no doubt that I would not be pregnant now.  Still, it wasn't normal and I am pregnant.  I can only think that despite all our vigorous efforts to detail that God still was in control and I am pregnant for a very specific purpose. 

We know what we are going to be counseled to do.  It will be wisest for me to abort this baby.  To save my life I know that I must give up this little one.  I know that's what the doctors say.  I can't do it though.  There is no way I can ever even think about aborting this baby.  It goes against everything I believe and know to be right and holy.  I can't.  I would never kill one of my other children to save my own life, I won't kill this child either.  His/her life is every bit as important as my own.  I love him/her so much already.  I would rather die knowing I tried to give life to this baby than to live knowing I took life. 

I'm not sure how we will get through this but we will.  We have each other and we have our faith.  I am praying so often that God will see fit to let me make it through this pregnancy as well as letting my baby live too.  I want so badly to hold this little one and to tell her how much I loved her from the moment I knew she was there.  I will gladly give my life for this baby but I pray that God doesn't ask that of me.  I ask it not for myself but for my husband and my children.  I guess I do ask for myself as well... I want to grow old with my husband and children and bask in their love all the days of my life.  I don't want to miss out on their birthdays, first dates, graduations, marriages, the births of their children, my anniversaries with Mike, our vacations, growing old together... I want to be here for it all.  I pray that God allows me that gift too. 

How Life Takes Our Breath Away

Today I confirmed what I already knew in my heart.... I am pregnant.  As I stood in the bathroom before the dawn had even arrived my heart was beating so hard inside my chest.  I was waiting to see if indeed a pregnancy test would show what I already believed to be true.  It seemed like it took forever for the line to make it's way across the test.  I held my breath.  It wouldn't be long before I saw two pink lines in the window.  I started to cry.

I was crying for so many reasons.  I never thought I would ever see another positive pregnancy test again since we were told I should never be pregnant again.  I was overwhelmed that here I was looking at two pink lines... lines that said there was life growing inside of me once again.  What a blessing I have been given!  I am always amazed that God trusts me so much to give me a chance to be a mother yet again.  I'm not sure why He trusts me, I often fail in so many ways, yet He does trust me.  I cry tears of thanksgiving that once again He has found me worthy to participate in the most beautiful and miraculous aspect of life.

I cried also because I am afraid.  I know the risks.  After Jake's birth just 6 months ago (to the day!) the doctor repeated them over and over again to us... “You must never get pregnant again. You could die if you do. You will risk your life and the life of your baby. More than likely your baby will die. Your uterus is so badly damaged that it will never hold a child again.”  His voice echoes in my mind.  I hear his thick accent instructing me to make sure that I don't get pregnant and that after my body is healed from almost dying with Jake that I look into getting a hysterectomy.  I don't want to die.  I don't want to go through the death of another one of my babies either. How can I carry this cross?  How will I tell Mike?  How will I tell the kids?  When we start telling others I know we will face major criticism.  People will say we are irresponsible.  Of course they can't be further from the truth but they won't know that... they'll just see me pregnant again, knowing I shouldn't be, knowing how my last delivery went and will decide that we must be ignorant and selfish.  I know they will say these things because they've said them before when we haven't had problems with a pregnancy.  So many people feel like large families are irresponsible.  I think about all the times we've received negative comments from not only strangers but from those who claim to love us.  It hurts.  How in the world will we explain this?

I am crying also because I'm not sure why God trusts me to carry such a heavy cross like this one.  I cry for my children... I don't want them to worry.  I don't want to leave them without a mother.  I cry for Mike.  I can't imagine what he will do if I die... how will he tell the kids?  How will he manage?  What would life be like for all of them without me?  I cry for me.  I cry because I don't want to think about leaving my family behind.  I don't want my life to be at risk.  I don't want to die.  Of course I know that it doesn't matter... I have only one choice.  I know without a doubt that I will risk everything for this tiny one that God has already blessed me with.  How can I not?  I would give my life for any one of my children, even if it meant leaving them without me, this child is no different.  Still, I am scared. 

I'm waiting to tell Mike about our new little one.  I'm not sure how he's going to react.  I know he's going to be scared.  I've also decided that never in my life have I ever gotten to just have a little secret of my own. I want to have a few days to come to terms with this myself and to savor in the joy that being pregnant with new life brings.  I know I'm being selfish but I need this time for me. 

My breath has been taken away.  I need some time to sit down and catch it again.  I'm praying so hard that I can feel God's ever present love guiding me.   I know I am going to need Him now more than ever. 

My Story

My story is an age old story... girl dreams of boy, girl meets boy, girl marries boy, girl lives happily ever after, except with many twists and turns thrown in to keep me on my toes.  I'm no one special, just a woman who is blessed beyond measure and more than I ever envisioned as a child.  I grew up hoping and dreaming of having a large family but feared that no one would ever want to marry me.  Imagine my surprise when I was only 15 and met the man of my dreams.  We began dating and I knew the first night we went out that one day I would be his wife.  I even told my sister when I got home from my date. 

We were very lucky to have found each other at such a young age.  We dated the rest of our sophmore year as well as both our junior and senior years.  Mike would enlist in the Marine Corps and leave right after graduation.  When he came home after graduating boot camp he would propose to me.  I of course said yes immediately.  He left again for the west coast and I enrolled in college. We wrote each other, visited, and missed each other with all our hearts.  He would soon deploy to Saudi Arabia for the Gulf War.  I was devastated.  I wrote him every day, sometimes many times a day.  I would eagerly check the mail each day for a letter in return.  Most days I would find nothing waiting for me.  Still, I waited.  After the war was over Mike decided that he did not want to wait any longer to get married.  As soon as he arrived home we were married.  We had been out of high school less than a year.  There were many people who didn't think we had a chance.  We did have one cheerleader though, the mother of Mike's best friend.  She told me that she knew we would make it.  I would cling to her words during the tough times in those early years of marriage.

Over the last 21 1/2 years of marriage Mike and I have been through so much together.  We have seen some really, really highs and we have experienced some really, really lows.  But, together we made it through and have come out stronger than we ever expected.  Our lives are vastly different now than the early years when we were just Mike and Michelle.  Over the years we have added to our family by leaps and bounds.  Always open to life, we have added 10 beautiful living children to our family and have experienced more loss than most couples will ever face.  Still, living open to God's will has always been the right path for our marriage.  It has brought us more joy and love than we could have ever hoped for.  It's a lot of work but in the end the benefits far out-weigh the struggles we face having a large family.

In the course of our marriage I have been pregnant with 22 lives.  It's amazing to believe that God chose me to carry so many lives, even if for a short time.  Several of our losses have been later losses, with our last loss being our latest and hardest to go through.  It has been less than 2 years since we lost William and my heart still aches every single day over it.  I suppose because it was such a traumatic experience it seems that much harder to accept but I am still trying my hardest to make peace with all that happened. 

Since losing William we have had another sweet boy, Jacob.  I had prayed so very hard that having him would heal all the wounds caused by William's death but unfortunately his birth caused many more wounds.  They were wounds that I questioned God about so many times only to receive no answer.  You see when I had Jake the doctor knew he was breech and allowed me to try to birth him.  When I knew he wasn't going to come and that I needed help they encouraged me to keep trying.  I'm not sure how long they encouraged me but there was finally a point where I was scared and in so much pain and knew that I was in trouble that I told them they would have to take him, that I couldn't birth him.  I felt the most horrible pain I have ever felt in any of my births and told them they didn't have much time.  By the time they finally put me under and took Jake by c-section my uterus has ruptured as did my bladder.  The doctors would take 3 hours to put me back together, saying my uterus was like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces everywhere.  I asked why they didn't just do a hysterectomy and was told that I was so close to not making it through the original surgery that they couldn't risk taking it out and me not making it.  So, they pieced it back together, put my bladder back together, and told me that under no circumstance should I ever get pregnant.  They said that my uterus would never hold another baby and that if I were to get pregnant again that my life would be at great risk as well.  To try to have another child would more than likely kill me and the baby. 

I have never felt such betrayal... by my body, by my doctors, by God.  I felt so alone.  Why would God give me this cross to bear?  After losing William I prayed that I would hemorrhage so that I might lose my fertility so I never would have to face losing a child again.  I thought that not being able to have another child would be for the best.  Now, I was faced with this very predicament and was questioning that original belief.  The only difference was that I actually could get pregnant but now I wasn't supposed to.  It was such an incredible cross to carry.  I didn't know how I would do it.

Trusting in God has always been my motto... it's the only way I get through life.  I know that when I trust God that all things are possible.  I know that when I don't trust God that the crosses I have to carry are that much harder to bear.  I decided that day in the hospital that I would continue to trust God to help me through and to carry my cross.  I haven't regretted making that decision.