Today I confirmed what I already knew in my heart.... I am pregnant. As I stood in the bathroom before the dawn had even arrived my heart was beating so hard inside my chest. I was waiting to see if indeed a pregnancy test would show what I already believed to be true. It seemed like it took forever for the line to make it's way across the test. I held my breath. It wouldn't be long before I saw two pink lines in the window. I started to cry.
I was crying for so many reasons. I never thought I would ever see another positive pregnancy test again since we were told I should never be pregnant again. I was overwhelmed that here I was looking at two pink lines... lines that said there was life growing inside of me once again. What a blessing I have been given! I am always amazed that God trusts me so much to give me a chance to be a mother yet again. I'm not sure why He trusts me, I often fail in so many ways, yet He does trust me. I cry tears of thanksgiving that once again He has found me worthy to participate in the most beautiful and miraculous aspect of life.
I cried also because I am afraid. I know the risks. After Jake's birth just 6 months ago (to the day!) the doctor repeated them over and over again to us... “You must never get pregnant again. You could die if you do. You will risk your life and the life of your baby. More than likely your baby will die. Your uterus is so badly damaged that it will never hold a child again.” His voice echoes in my mind. I hear his thick accent instructing me to make sure that I don't get pregnant and that after my body is healed from almost dying with Jake that I look into getting a hysterectomy. I don't want to die. I don't want to go through the death of another one of my babies either. How can I carry this cross? How will I tell Mike? How will I tell the kids? When we start telling others I know we will face major criticism. People will say we are irresponsible. Of course they can't be further from the truth but they won't know that... they'll just see me pregnant again, knowing I shouldn't be, knowing how my last delivery went and will decide that we must be ignorant and selfish. I know they will say these things because they've said them before when we haven't had problems with a pregnancy. So many people feel like large families are irresponsible. I think about all the times we've received negative comments from not only strangers but from those who claim to love us. It hurts. How in the world will we explain this?
I am crying also because I'm not sure why God trusts me to carry such a heavy cross like this one. I cry for my children... I don't want them to worry. I don't want to leave them without a mother. I cry for Mike. I can't imagine what he will do if I die... how will he tell the kids? How will he manage? What would life be like for all of them without me? I cry for me. I cry because I don't want to think about leaving my family behind. I don't want my life to be at risk. I don't want to die. Of course I know that it doesn't matter... I have only one choice. I know without a doubt that I will risk everything for this tiny one that God has already blessed me with. How can I not? I would give my life for any one of my children, even if it meant leaving them without me, this child is no different. Still, I am scared.
I'm waiting to tell Mike about our new little one. I'm not sure how he's going to react. I know he's going to be scared. I've also decided that never in my life have I ever gotten to just have a little secret of my own. I want to have a few days to come to terms with this myself and to savor in the joy that being pregnant with new life brings. I know I'm being selfish but I need this time for me.
My breath has been taken away. I need some time to sit down and catch it again. I'm praying so hard that I can feel God's ever present love guiding me. I know I am going to need Him now more than ever.
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