Losing a child can be such a taboo subject. Many people are not quite sure how to approach the topic and so often times it is overlooked. There aren't cards in the store that say, "I'm sorry you lost your baby". Many time people don't know what to say so they don't say anything. Those who haven't experienced loss might feel like they are bringing up too much pain for the person who is grieving the loss of their little one. Sometimes those of us who have lost a child don't want to make others uncomfortable so we don't talk about our loss, our pain, or about how our whole lives have been changed. We suffer in silence. Today is the one day out of the year that it is expected that we can talk about how much we miss our babies.
I have thought a lot about this subject over the years. I think in many cases those who have never suffered a loss are not able to completely understand what we are going through. And rightfully so. I can't say I understand what a widower is feeling. I've never lost my husband. I can't say what it feels like to lose someone through suicide as no one I have ever been close to has ever killed themselves. I may not know the "right" thing to say in those situations. It stands to reason then that those who have never lost a child might also struggle with how to handle helping a friend through a miscarriage or the loss of a child during birth or after birth. If I could impart one thing to those who have never lost a child it would be to talk about your friend's baby. Tell them that you are thinking of them. Tell the that you feel sad for all they have gone through. Tell them that you are praying for them. Ask them how they are doing. Help them not feel so alone. Asking about their baby and how they are doing will show them how much you love them.
I'll be honest, I didn't alway think this way. Truthfully it used to hurt me so much that my losses were never talked about. It wasn't until I met others who had been through losses that I began to understand. I had always felt very alone. Many days I still do. My pain and my experiences are different from everyone else's. No one can truly understand what it feels like to go through what we did with each of our losses but especially with William. The trauma was almost too much to bear. Still, even though someone might not know my specific pain they can know the pain of losing a child. While the experiences are different the loss of life, the loss of hopes and dreams, and the struggles deep in our hearts are often the same. That gives me a little bit of hope to know that I'm not truly alone.
Still, there are some days that even though I feel I am moving forward I actually am at a standstill. I had a day like this recently. I wrote an article over at the CatholicSistas website about that day. It was published today in honor of our losses. You can read it here if you'd like. That day, while sitting at William's grave I cried tears of pain and sorrow. I prayed to God to help me with the pain. I wondered why I had to go through it. Shouldn't I be starting to "be over it" by now? What I discovered was that grief does not follow any rules. It comes when it wants and abates when it's ready. I know that it is something I will always deal with. I will never be "over it". I know some days will be ones that I can get through and others will reduce me to an emotional mess. I just wish I knew which days would be which, but I don't. Grief sneaks up on you and overtakes you so quickly. It is swift and often without warning.
I'm praying that we don't have to face more loss and grief. We have had so much of it in our lives. We have fought through it and are battle-scarred and worn but we have survived. I know our losses have helped make us the people we are today.... all our experiences do. I know that they have helped me truly understand how very precious life is. I know that they have helped me be more understanding and compassionate. I know that they are helping me fight this fight I am currently waging. They have made me strong. They have made me courageous. They have made me understand the sanctity of life in a way I don't think I could have understood before. They have shown me God's love in the tiniest hands and feet I've ever seen. They have shown me perfection. For that I am forever grateful.
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