Ups and Downs

Today was a day of ups and downs.  I saw a new perinatologist today.  I like him.  He had been highly recommended for many years but I had just continued to go to the one I had seen before.  Afterall, the previous doctor knew about Porphyria, a disease I suffer from, and that was a rarity.  I hated to leave him because of this fact.  But, he had a way of saying inappropriate things and while I loved his staff I thought it might be time to change. 

I had gone to another perinatologist for my first appointment and really loved him but unfortunately there was going to be insurance issues.  This doctor I saw today was one that Lynn  had suggested to me for years so I have him a try.  I wasn't disappointed.  He was very thorough, and what he didn't know about he said he would research.  He was engaging and kind and seemed like he was truly interested in what was going on in my world.  He also didn't try to scare me.  I appreciated that so much.

At my appointment today I had an ultrasound.  Our little baby was sitting snuggly inside.  At first he/she seemed to be dancing!  It was fun to watch as she took measurements of everything else.  As she focused on the baby he/she settled down and let her get all the measurements she needed.  We even saw the baby sucking it's thumb!  Precious couldn't describe it!  I cried the entire way through the ultrasound.  I just can't get over the fact that this little baby is doing well inside of my damaged uterus.... a uterus that shouldn't be able to hold another baby ever and yet here one grows!  It's very humbling to say the least.

Everything looked absolutely perfect on the baby.  The heartrate was 154.  To watch that tiny heart just beating away is amazing.  We had the nuchal fold test done and that was perfect as well.  The heart structures at this point look great and we'll see more next time.  For the moment this baby is doing so well.  I can only pray that my body will do it's job and hold this little one safely.  It would crush me if the only reason this baby lost it's life is because my body failed it.  I'm trying to focus on the positive though and not think about those sorts of things. 

The down part of the day was right before I walked out the door for my appointment.  The mailman came and had a certified letter for me to sign.  I had no clue what it could be.  As I opened it I could see it was from my OB's office.  It was an official letter telling me that they did not want to take me on through this pregnancy as I am too high risk.  The letter told me that continuing on with this pregnancy "threatens your life and the life of your baby".  My heart sank reading the words in the letter.  I cried. 

I immediately called the office and asked for Lynn to call me back.  We had just talked about me seeing one of the other doctors for a chance to stay there.  I needed to know what she thought I should do... do I keep that appointment and try to plead my case or do I just try to find someone else?  I didn't get a call back yet.  My next appointment there will fall before the 30 days they have given me to find a new provider.  I'm so lost.  I have no idea what I am going to do. 

Thankfully I received that letter before my appointment.  I say this because while at my appointment and watching my tiny baby on the screen I knew that in the end if I have to find another OB that it will be ok.  I prefer to stay with Lynn but if I can't then we'll find someone else.  The most important thing to keep my eye on is the end result... that both my baby and I are safe.  If we have to insure that elsewhere then I trust God to lead us to someone who can provide the care we need and deserve.  It's just so frustrating at times, especially given all that we've gone through. 

I have prayed hundreds and hundreds of prayers this pregnancy... prayers for my baby's safety, prayers for my safety, prayers for my family, prayers for the right providers, prayers to be pregnant just one more day, prayers of thanks for this opportunity to carry God's most precious gift.  Today I pray that I can accept all that goes on during this pregnancy and that I can trust God to lead us to those who we need in our lives to insure the safety of our baby and of myself.  I have told God over and over again that I will give my life no questions asked for this child but I have also prayed that if it is His will that He allows us both to make it through this pregnancy.  Above all, I pray for God's will in my life.  I know He has us firmly in His hands.  I just need to remember to trust Him completely and know that regardless of what happens with doctors, with family and friends when we announce this pregnancy, and ultimately what happens with our survival that God is in control, just as He should be.