Worth It All

Today has been a bad day all the way around.  I'm feeling very stressed and worried.  I will be announcing this pregnancy soon and I am worried about the things people are going to be saying, both to our faces and behind our backs.  I know people talk about our family already, even though our kids are amazing children and our family is very respectful of others.  Still, we are an oddity, probably not as odd as most think as I'm sure there are other families out there with this many children, but to most we are the only family like this that they know. 

Thinking about those comments has me worked up.  My kids are feeding off of that and are wild and crazy right now.  The extra noise, mess, and arguments are about to push me over the edge.  I took a time out today for myself and just stayed away from everyone.  I figured if they didn't see my anxious mood then they wouldn't feed off of it. 

I was asked why I felt I need to announce my pregnancy and that is a good question.  I guess really it's no one's business as to whether or not I'm pregnant now and the ins and outs of it all.  Still, I feel like I need to live my faith proudly and my faith tells me that every life is sacred, every life needs to be celebrated, and every life needs to be protected.  If I can help people understand that this pregnancy is that important to us not only as a family but as a faithful Catholic then I feel like I have to make that known.

If something happens to this baby I want to make sure that everyone knew this baby lived.  That he/she was wanted and cherished and loved so much that I was willing to risk everything for him/her.  If I don't make it through I want everyone to know why it was so important for me to try to bring this little one into the world.  I want people to stop and look at their lives and their priorities and I want them to see how important even the tiniest life truly is.  Ultimately, in this culture of death, I want this life to be seen as important, as special, as worth risking everything for. 

I've been near tears all day long.  I've let a few slide down my cheeks every now and again.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to be pregnant.  I'm scared of what could happen.  I'm scared to tell people and to face their criticism.  But as I sat here thinking about all these things I felt a few little kicks.  At that very moment those fears slipped away and I knew that regardless it is worth it all.  I know I'll worry this entire pregnancy but if I focus on those little kicks, those tiny reminders of that beautiful little one growing inside of me, then I know I can get through this.  I am so thankful to feel those movements.  They are such a blessing and a concrete way for me to stay focused.