I was rather upset with the doctor by the end of my appointment. She was a new OB for me and thus we had to go over my history. At the end of our interview she asked if I had any concerns. I told her about my experiences yesterday and through the night. Even after hearing my whole history and what I was experiencing it seemed like she was unconcerned. I thought for sure she's at least try to listen for the baby's heartbeat. Instead she said we'd schedule an appointment for next week. It took everything in me not to cry out.
As we were leaving the exam room she stopped me and said, "You know, we should listen for fetal heart tones." I told her I thought that was an excellent idea. We went back into the room and she listened for the baby. At 11 weeks 2 days it's iffy if you will hear the baby's heartbeat via a doppler, especially when you are overweight like I am. She was unable to find the baby's heartbeat. She decided that we would look with the ultrasound machine. She turned it on and pressed the wand to my belly. She looked and looked and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. I closed my eyes and prayed. In the background there was music playing as she was searching. The office has the music set to a spa station on sirius radio. During the time she was listening for the baby's heart the song Ave Maria was playing! I found so much peace in the fact that I was not alone in that room. I know that God had me in His arms and that Mary was there holding my hand too. Of course when we still couldn't find the baby's heartbeat I truly began to worry even knowing I had such strength holding me up.
The doctor decided to get one of the ultrasound technicians to come and try to find the baby's heartbeat. It was a long wait for them to come back in the room. All I could do was pray and tell God that I trusted Him. They finally came into the room.
The tech put the wand on my belly, swished it around a couple of times and found our little one with no problem. She said, "Oh goodness! Look at it just flipping around in there!" The baby was very active and we could see little arms and little legs moving. I began to cry. I couldn't stop. I can't tell you the relief I felt at that very moment. The doctor came over to me and held my hand and told me it was ok. I know she felt bad for not being able to find the baby's heartbeat by either doppler or ultrasound and how it caused me so much fear and stress. She was so caring and kind to me. I appreciated it so much. The tech measured the baby's heart rate, it was 157... absolutely perfect.
The doctor told me that because my uterus is so damaged that probably I will feel a lot more pain during my pregnancy. I am going to try not to get so scared every time it happens. I know that the further along I get in this pregnancy the more likely I am to have more intense pains. I know those can signify something going very wrong in my body. I'm not sure how I am going to get through it but I know I will.
God answered my prayers today. I am able to hold my tiny baby in me another day. I feel so blessed and so thankful. My heart is so full of love for this little one who grows inside of me. I thank God each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to bed for another day to be a part of this miracle of life. I can only hope that I am able to see this through. I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this baby in my arms one day. I pray I am so lucky.
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