Frustration Times 100

This past Thursday I had my next OB appointment.  I had been instructed to see a particular OB in the practice because he may be willing to really listen to my concerns and truly hear me out.  I am pretty sure when he walked in the room he already has his mind made up about telling me that I had to find a new provider.  To be honest, while it hurt my feelings to be let go, I'm sure in the end it's what needs to happen.  I say this based on the conversation that I had with this particular doctor.

I probably should have seen the warning signs at the very beginning of my appointment when he hopped up on the counter and patted my extremely thick file and said, "Well, I haven't really had time to read much of this.  When I first saw it I was like, 'Shit! That's a lot!"  Any doctor who thinks it's ok to speak to a patient that way is clearly not respectful of that patient.  I assume he was just trying to be honest but he really could have chosen a better way to phrase his astonishment at the size of my file.  When he proceeded on in the conversation to tell me that I was a "shit storm waiting to happen", well, I should have just stood up and left at that moment.  Still, I stayed and heard him out. 

I do understand that perhaps my situation is more than they feel they can handle but he also went on to tell me that he worried about whether or not I would be "reasonable" when it came time for my care and if they needed to deliver the baby early.  He gave an example of what if they wanted to deliver the baby at 30 weeks, would I allow them to do so?  I said that of course I would if they thought that was in the best interest of both the baby and myself.  I believe that because I am continuing on with the pregnancy after one of the doctors there told me that it was not in my best interest to do so they feel like I won't listen when it comes time to make hard decisions about my health and the baby's health, especially for delivering early.  I think what they fail to see is that at 30 weeks, or 26 weeks or any time after viability comes I have given my baby a chance at life.  To abort a baby is different than to give that child time inside to grow as much as possible and then delivering him/her even knowing that highly specialized care may be needed afterward.  There is a huge difference and if by not aborting my baby means that I am not reasonable, well then, I guess I'm not reasonable.

The doctor told me that they couldn't in good conscious keep me on as a patient.  He said he wanted no regrets... both from a personal and a legal standpoint.  I suppose I understand that decision but when I asked who they suggested I go to instead they had no idea where I should go.  They gave me no referrals, no phone numbers, no inkling of where to turn.  I think that is one of the things that bothered me most... you knew you were going to release me and yet you have no referral for me to call so that I can have continued care.  It's mind boggling.  What am I supposed to do?  How can you leave me like that with no idea of who to trust or who to take care of not only me but my baby as well?

There are so many people at that office that I will miss... many of them have become like family to me over the 15 years I have gone to them.  Still, this is inexcusible and just wrong.  As much as I will miss those people I know that God must believe that my life will not be in the best hands if I stay at that practice.  I can only hope and pray that He leads me to the right people who can truly care for not only my needs but my baby's as well. 

This is definitely an added stress I didn't need.  I haven't written about the past couple weeks because they have been some of the most difficult times I've ever had to deal with.  Besides the doctor problems I have had to endure attacks on my family, people judging us and talking about us behind our backs, and just the plain lonliness of not being able to truly confide in those here, who I used to feel confident talking to, about how I feel about everything, both physically and emotionally.  I am thankful for the few friends I have that I can turn to but I also don't want to be a burden either.

We knew there was going to be a tremendous amount of fallout from this decision, I hadn't expected it in the places we've received it though.  I suppose that's what's making this so hard.  My heart hurts so much right now.  I'm praying that we can move past the hurts that many people have made us feel.  I know I stand a greater chance at being able to move forward than Mike does.  He is so very angry right now at those who have hurt me, even if they were not trying to.  I'm walking a line between helping him understand while still trying to understand myself.  It's a difficult task to say the least.  Still, I know that forgiveness and love are what I need to have (but that's so much easier to say than to do sometimes).

This cross is so heavy.  I know that in suffering we can find a deeper relationship with Christ, especially when we join our sufferings to His.  I'm trying to offer up this pain for others who need the graces.  Still, some days it's all I can do to withstand the weight of the cross.  I'm trusting that God will continue to send me the right people to help me carry it.  I always have to remind myself that Jesus himself needed help in carrying His cross so it stands to reason that I will need help with mine. 

Please say a prayer that God will send the right provider to care for me and our baby and that God will send the right people to help me with this cross.  I pray that while others help me carry mine that I am able to help carry their cross as well.