It's been 11 weeks since I last updated. I'm sorry for that. To be honest, I couldn't bear to update when I was so stressed out and it seemed like everything I was going to write was the same thing over and over again. It just felt so negative. Of course, life also got in the way of getting back here to write but I hope to change that and do a better job.
Time seems to be moving quickly for me now. After a long time of not having an ob my specialist talked with the OB office that had released me and they took me back. To say that I was not happy about the turn of events well, is an understatement. It's not that I don't love the people who work there, on the contrary, many of them are like family to me... but for the doctors to say some of the things that they said to me and to be pushed aside the way I was with no help to find another office to take on my care, well, that was a hard pill to swallow.
In the time I was without a doctor I had called all over the Atlanta area, including areas much further out on all sides of Atlanta, trying to find someone who would take me on as a patient. Either there was an insurance issue or they just flat out said, "We don't feel comfortable with providing your care, you are too high risk for us." It was maddening. I contacted the Archdiocese of Atlanta's Respect Life Ministry and asked for help. Mary Boyert sent out the S.O.S for me and I ended up with a ton of leads to new doctors. Unfortunately they each led to a dead end. It was beyond frustrating. So when I heard that the doctors office that had released me was the only one willing to take me on, well, I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I would make an appointment to go back in and talk with the doctors. I made sure to tell him that I was not happy to be there, thankful, yes, but happy, no. I told him that they were like family to me and it felt horrible to be put out the way I was. He told me that he was frustrated because it felt to him like I was making them "clean up someone else's mess". I asked him why he felt I should go back to the doctors that really messed things up for me anyway and put not only my life but my child's life in danger. He had no response. We talked about what the plans were to keep me healthy and pregnant and decided that we would just move forward.
Today I went for my 29 week appointment. I am meauring big but I always do. I am on insulin to try to control my gestational diabetes but with each passing week the diabetes seem to be winning. We keep upping my insulin in hopes of controlling it and hopefully we'll find the magic numbers. The baby is doing very well. At my appointment last week we estimated by ultrasound that he is approximately 2 1/2 pounds now which is very average and perfect. He moves around a lot and is a very busy boy. All things that ease my mind as I worry every day about him and about me.
We've had a couple scares but have gotten through them. Mike thinks I won't make it through March with this pregnancy but I feel we will make it to the end of April when I will have my scheduled c-section. At least that's my hope. Every day I thank God for giving me yet another day to be pregnant. I can't wait to hold this little boy. He is worth all that we've gone through to bring him into the world. I can't say that it has been easy but every single moment has been worth the sacrifice.
Please keep praying! I know that the reason we have gotten this far is because of our faith. God hears our prayers and while we have no idea what the end result will be we know that the journey is just as important as the ending. Thank you for your support. I know that for me, on the days that are hard, knowing that we have people praying for us helps me get through those times. God is good and God is faithful. I know He is listening to each and every prayer we say.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
18 Weeks
This Wednesday I hit 18 weeks. This means I am halfway through my pregnancy now since we will look at delivering the baby at 36 weeks if the lungs are ready. It's amazing to think I am halfway there already! I could have only hoped to make it this far and yet after my perinatologist appointment yesterday I know I'll make it even farther!
My appointment yesterday went very well. The baby is measuring exactly where it should and the in depth scan showed no defects, no problems, and a tiny baby with all it's fingers, toes, heart chambers, etc. I had been worried because I had felt no movement for days and had begun thinking the worst. Then on Wednesday I felt a tiny kick and felt a little reassured. But Thursday's appointment truly helped calm my fears as we saw our little one sitting snuggly in my uterus, heart beating, and moving around just as we had hoped.
My appointment yesterday went very well. The baby is measuring exactly where it should and the in depth scan showed no defects, no problems, and a tiny baby with all it's fingers, toes, heart chambers, etc. I had been worried because I had felt no movement for days and had begun thinking the worst. Then on Wednesday I felt a tiny kick and felt a little reassured. But Thursday's appointment truly helped calm my fears as we saw our little one sitting snuggly in my uterus, heart beating, and moving around just as we had hoped.
We also found out that this little one is a boy! I am nervous about that since I have shown a history of trouble carrying boys but with this little one he seems to be doing so good already that I'm hopeful that he will get here safely! I'm also a little worried to have two back to back boys! We've never had boys this close together. Depending on when he arrives he and Jake will be close to being Irish Twins. Caroline and Madison are Irish Twins and if they are any indication of what Jake and a little partner in crime might be like, I think we are in trouble! Still, it will be neat to experience boys who are close together. Poor Garrett had to wait 11 years before finally getting a brother. Ben then had to wait almost 6 years to get a younger brother. Both Garrett and Ben are very excited that there will be another boy in the house. Jake, well, he's too little to even understand that his world will be changing in a matter of months.
I spoke with the doctor about our troubles finding a new OB, he was amazed that the practice would release me over my issues. He said he will find someone who can take me on. I'm hopeful that with his recommendation we will find a capable OB once again. Still, it's scary to think that if something happens, right now I have no one to turn to. This past week when I had no movement from the baby I would have loved to been able to go and have a quick ultrasound at the OBs office but I couldn't. I was left to either go to the ER or wait it out until my appointment yesterday. I'm happy that it turned out ok but what if it hadn't?
Please continue to pray for us. We have so many people trying to help us find a new doctor that will be perfect for our situation. It's amazing how much we are able to endure when we must. This cross has been so heavy and it seems like we get more and more put on our shoulders. Still, through faith and reliance on those who have decided to help us carry this cross, we are making our way. It's a slow, painful journey, but we are getting there. Yesterday, seeing my little boy sitting so peacefully in my womb, I felt a renewed hope and joy. I know that God never abandons us but it sure is nice when He gives us a little glimpse of the heaven that awaits us. Yestereday I saw a bit of that heaven on the ultrasound screen. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I am so very thankful that God trusts me enough to share it with me.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Frustration Times 100
This past Thursday I had my next OB appointment. I had been instructed to see a particular OB in the practice because he may be willing to really listen to my concerns and truly hear me out. I am pretty sure when he walked in the room he already has his mind made up about telling me that I had to find a new provider. To be honest, while it hurt my feelings to be let go, I'm sure in the end it's what needs to happen. I say this based on the conversation that I had with this particular doctor.
I probably should have seen the warning signs at the very beginning of my appointment when he hopped up on the counter and patted my extremely thick file and said, "Well, I haven't really had time to read much of this. When I first saw it I was like, 'Shit! That's a lot!" Any doctor who thinks it's ok to speak to a patient that way is clearly not respectful of that patient. I assume he was just trying to be honest but he really could have chosen a better way to phrase his astonishment at the size of my file. When he proceeded on in the conversation to tell me that I was a "shit storm waiting to happen", well, I should have just stood up and left at that moment. Still, I stayed and heard him out.
I do understand that perhaps my situation is more than they feel they can handle but he also went on to tell me that he worried about whether or not I would be "reasonable" when it came time for my care and if they needed to deliver the baby early. He gave an example of what if they wanted to deliver the baby at 30 weeks, would I allow them to do so? I said that of course I would if they thought that was in the best interest of both the baby and myself. I believe that because I am continuing on with the pregnancy after one of the doctors there told me that it was not in my best interest to do so they feel like I won't listen when it comes time to make hard decisions about my health and the baby's health, especially for delivering early. I think what they fail to see is that at 30 weeks, or 26 weeks or any time after viability comes I have given my baby a chance at life. To abort a baby is different than to give that child time inside to grow as much as possible and then delivering him/her even knowing that highly specialized care may be needed afterward. There is a huge difference and if by not aborting my baby means that I am not reasonable, well then, I guess I'm not reasonable.
The doctor told me that they couldn't in good conscious keep me on as a patient. He said he wanted no regrets... both from a personal and a legal standpoint. I suppose I understand that decision but when I asked who they suggested I go to instead they had no idea where I should go. They gave me no referrals, no phone numbers, no inkling of where to turn. I think that is one of the things that bothered me most... you knew you were going to release me and yet you have no referral for me to call so that I can have continued care. It's mind boggling. What am I supposed to do? How can you leave me like that with no idea of who to trust or who to take care of not only me but my baby as well?
There are so many people at that office that I will miss... many of them have become like family to me over the 15 years I have gone to them. Still, this is inexcusible and just wrong. As much as I will miss those people I know that God must believe that my life will not be in the best hands if I stay at that practice. I can only hope and pray that He leads me to the right people who can truly care for not only my needs but my baby's as well.
This is definitely an added stress I didn't need. I haven't written about the past couple weeks because they have been some of the most difficult times I've ever had to deal with. Besides the doctor problems I have had to endure attacks on my family, people judging us and talking about us behind our backs, and just the plain lonliness of not being able to truly confide in those here, who I used to feel confident talking to, about how I feel about everything, both physically and emotionally. I am thankful for the few friends I have that I can turn to but I also don't want to be a burden either.
We knew there was going to be a tremendous amount of fallout from this decision, I hadn't expected it in the places we've received it though. I suppose that's what's making this so hard. My heart hurts so much right now. I'm praying that we can move past the hurts that many people have made us feel. I know I stand a greater chance at being able to move forward than Mike does. He is so very angry right now at those who have hurt me, even if they were not trying to. I'm walking a line between helping him understand while still trying to understand myself. It's a difficult task to say the least. Still, I know that forgiveness and love are what I need to have (but that's so much easier to say than to do sometimes).
This cross is so heavy. I know that in suffering we can find a deeper relationship with Christ, especially when we join our sufferings to His. I'm trying to offer up this pain for others who need the graces. Still, some days it's all I can do to withstand the weight of the cross. I'm trusting that God will continue to send me the right people to help me carry it. I always have to remind myself that Jesus himself needed help in carrying His cross so it stands to reason that I will need help with mine.
Please say a prayer that God will send the right provider to care for me and our baby and that God will send the right people to help me with this cross. I pray that while others help me carry mine that I am able to help carry their cross as well.
I probably should have seen the warning signs at the very beginning of my appointment when he hopped up on the counter and patted my extremely thick file and said, "Well, I haven't really had time to read much of this. When I first saw it I was like, 'Shit! That's a lot!" Any doctor who thinks it's ok to speak to a patient that way is clearly not respectful of that patient. I assume he was just trying to be honest but he really could have chosen a better way to phrase his astonishment at the size of my file. When he proceeded on in the conversation to tell me that I was a "shit storm waiting to happen", well, I should have just stood up and left at that moment. Still, I stayed and heard him out.
I do understand that perhaps my situation is more than they feel they can handle but he also went on to tell me that he worried about whether or not I would be "reasonable" when it came time for my care and if they needed to deliver the baby early. He gave an example of what if they wanted to deliver the baby at 30 weeks, would I allow them to do so? I said that of course I would if they thought that was in the best interest of both the baby and myself. I believe that because I am continuing on with the pregnancy after one of the doctors there told me that it was not in my best interest to do so they feel like I won't listen when it comes time to make hard decisions about my health and the baby's health, especially for delivering early. I think what they fail to see is that at 30 weeks, or 26 weeks or any time after viability comes I have given my baby a chance at life. To abort a baby is different than to give that child time inside to grow as much as possible and then delivering him/her even knowing that highly specialized care may be needed afterward. There is a huge difference and if by not aborting my baby means that I am not reasonable, well then, I guess I'm not reasonable. The doctor told me that they couldn't in good conscious keep me on as a patient. He said he wanted no regrets... both from a personal and a legal standpoint. I suppose I understand that decision but when I asked who they suggested I go to instead they had no idea where I should go. They gave me no referrals, no phone numbers, no inkling of where to turn. I think that is one of the things that bothered me most... you knew you were going to release me and yet you have no referral for me to call so that I can have continued care. It's mind boggling. What am I supposed to do? How can you leave me like that with no idea of who to trust or who to take care of not only me but my baby as well?
There are so many people at that office that I will miss... many of them have become like family to me over the 15 years I have gone to them. Still, this is inexcusible and just wrong. As much as I will miss those people I know that God must believe that my life will not be in the best hands if I stay at that practice. I can only hope and pray that He leads me to the right people who can truly care for not only my needs but my baby's as well.
This is definitely an added stress I didn't need. I haven't written about the past couple weeks because they have been some of the most difficult times I've ever had to deal with. Besides the doctor problems I have had to endure attacks on my family, people judging us and talking about us behind our backs, and just the plain lonliness of not being able to truly confide in those here, who I used to feel confident talking to, about how I feel about everything, both physically and emotionally. I am thankful for the few friends I have that I can turn to but I also don't want to be a burden either.
We knew there was going to be a tremendous amount of fallout from this decision, I hadn't expected it in the places we've received it though. I suppose that's what's making this so hard. My heart hurts so much right now. I'm praying that we can move past the hurts that many people have made us feel. I know I stand a greater chance at being able to move forward than Mike does. He is so very angry right now at those who have hurt me, even if they were not trying to. I'm walking a line between helping him understand while still trying to understand myself. It's a difficult task to say the least. Still, I know that forgiveness and love are what I need to have (but that's so much easier to say than to do sometimes).
This cross is so heavy. I know that in suffering we can find a deeper relationship with Christ, especially when we join our sufferings to His. I'm trying to offer up this pain for others who need the graces. Still, some days it's all I can do to withstand the weight of the cross. I'm trusting that God will continue to send me the right people to help me carry it. I always have to remind myself that Jesus himself needed help in carrying His cross so it stands to reason that I will need help with mine.
Please say a prayer that God will send the right provider to care for me and our baby and that God will send the right people to help me with this cross. I pray that while others help me carry mine that I am able to help carry their cross as well.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Black Friday
Last night Mike and I did something we never do. We decided to risk going out on Thanksgiving evening to see if we could get a gift for one of our kids that was advertised at Walmart. I was adamantly against going, especially on Thanksgiving, for several reasons. The first had to do with the fact that we would be reinforcing Walmart's (and so many other retailors') idea that as consumers we HAVE to have that special something right away and that we were willing to leave our family and come to the store to get that gift. I think it's sad that as a society we can't put a hold on our wants for just one day and allow the workers of all the retail shops to be at home with their own families. The second reason had to do with the fact that we just don't do Black Friday (or Thursday as the case may be) shopping... I hate the crowds. I hate the chaos. I hate everything to do with the experience.
However, because we have a very limited income and thus limited amount of money to spend on Christmas presents for our 10 children, we decided that this once we would brave the crowds and try to get this one gift. It was afterall, only offered for a limited time, in a limited amount, and it was nearly half price. There was no way we could afford this item at regular price and it's something we really want to give one of our children. It isn't just a "thing" but it's an item that can also provide skills that can be used later on. (I have to speak without saying the item because my children have this website bookmarked and may read this!)
So, we left out and went to Walmart. The parking lot was completely full. We ended up parking at a bank across the lot and had to walk the entire length of the parking lot to even get in the store. We were able to get a buggy and decided to see if we could find where this item might be. The store was insane. It was packed with so many people wanting to get great deals too. They were milling about, most standing near whatever item they most wanted, waiting for the employees to take the plastic wrap off the bundles of goods at 8 pm. They were anxious and getting loud.
We found the item we wanted and stood in the aisle next to it. Mike ended up being right, there weren't may people there for the item we wanted and truly we didn't need to face that crowd to get one. We didn't know that ahead of time though so it was still good that we went.
At around 7:45 pm the employees began trying to unwrap the plastic off the bundles, telling the people not to put anything in their buggies until 8pm. People were starting to get loud, starting to push foward so they could get as near as possible to the flats of goods that they were interested in. In a mere 5 minutes pandemonium broke out. One person decided that they would indeed get a hold of some of those items and began putting them in their buggy. That fired up all the others who also began grabbing and snatching and throwing as many items in their buggies as possible. We were thankful to be in a side aisle, safe from the craziness, but we could still see it clearly.
As the people became even more frenzied we were shocked to see how people were grabbing far more than they ever could need of the items in the middle of the main aisles on the pallets. They were so greedy and aggressive. I couldn't believe my eyes. We don't typically ever go to shop on days like this so this was a real eye-opener for me.
I can see why it is called Black Friday. It's not because stores often find themselves finally in the "black" but because it often brings many good people to a dark side that they should never venture to. It brings out the black in people's hearts and in their behavior. It is so sad for all of us. I pray that one day our society wakes up and sees what kind of damage it is enduring by allowing consumerism and greed to rule our lives. When we finally see this we can finally begin making changes to reverse those effects on our society.
However, because we have a very limited income and thus limited amount of money to spend on Christmas presents for our 10 children, we decided that this once we would brave the crowds and try to get this one gift. It was afterall, only offered for a limited time, in a limited amount, and it was nearly half price. There was no way we could afford this item at regular price and it's something we really want to give one of our children. It isn't just a "thing" but it's an item that can also provide skills that can be used later on. (I have to speak without saying the item because my children have this website bookmarked and may read this!)
So, we left out and went to Walmart. The parking lot was completely full. We ended up parking at a bank across the lot and had to walk the entire length of the parking lot to even get in the store. We were able to get a buggy and decided to see if we could find where this item might be. The store was insane. It was packed with so many people wanting to get great deals too. They were milling about, most standing near whatever item they most wanted, waiting for the employees to take the plastic wrap off the bundles of goods at 8 pm. They were anxious and getting loud.
We found the item we wanted and stood in the aisle next to it. Mike ended up being right, there weren't may people there for the item we wanted and truly we didn't need to face that crowd to get one. We didn't know that ahead of time though so it was still good that we went.
At around 7:45 pm the employees began trying to unwrap the plastic off the bundles, telling the people not to put anything in their buggies until 8pm. People were starting to get loud, starting to push foward so they could get as near as possible to the flats of goods that they were interested in. In a mere 5 minutes pandemonium broke out. One person decided that they would indeed get a hold of some of those items and began putting them in their buggy. That fired up all the others who also began grabbing and snatching and throwing as many items in their buggies as possible. We were thankful to be in a side aisle, safe from the craziness, but we could still see it clearly.
As the people became even more frenzied we were shocked to see how people were grabbing far more than they ever could need of the items in the middle of the main aisles on the pallets. They were so greedy and aggressive. I couldn't believe my eyes. We don't typically ever go to shop on days like this so this was a real eye-opener for me.
I stood back so that I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't watch all those people, arms full with things they probably didn't truly need, treating others so terribly for another second. Before I knew it I felt tears sliding down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly, hoping no one would see, feeling silly of my reaction to these people I didn't even know. Mike came over to me and asked me what was wrong. I could barely speak the words. Finally, still crying and voice wavering, I said, "I just don't understand. All this greed. All this hate. All this horrible behavior over things. Why do people act this way?" It broke my heart to see how inhumane these people were behaving. I just couldn't wrap my head or my heart around it.
We waited for 8pm to come and then put the item in our buggy that we were there for. There weren't many people who came for this practical gift so there wasn't anyone fighting over what we wanted. Had there been we would have walked away. It wasn't that important that we have the item even though it was an incredible price and something that our child has been asking to have for years. After we got out of our aisle we weaved our way through the crowds. We waited in line for what seemed like years. Upon checking out I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal and my heart feeling a little better. Mike and I agreed that we couldn't do that again.
We see news stories about crime being on the rise, about people going hungry, people dying, war throughout the world and problems within our societies regarding race, religion, and gender. I hear so many people complain about how horrible the world is and how something needs to give. I wonder how many of those people were out on Black Thursday or Friday fighting for material goods to save $5 here or $10 there. We need to wake up and see that the problems with the world start at a very basic level... how we live and treat one another in our own little worlds. When we fail to respect and see the importance of each and every person, when we belittle and treat others poorly, when we say rude and ugly things to each other it's no wonder that our world at large is in the shape it is. If we were to make the changes in ourselves and vow to treat others the way we want to be treated (and actually follow through with it!) we would see the beginnings of change. If we don't make these small changes how can we expect to see big changes?
I cried tears for all of us last night. I saw the worst behavior in people and it scared me. It made me sad for all of us. Here we should be treating each other the way Christ treated everyone and yet I saw people fighting over material things. The greed and comsumerism was overwhelming. How have we gotten to a point where things are more important than people or more important than our self-respect? I pray that I can instill in my children manners, respect, and the belief that there is nothing material out there that is more important that the people that we come in contact with or that are close to us. Material things fade away... they don't last forever. The way we treat others, the way we love them and show them respect, that lasts forever.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Coming Out
I posted a story I had written back on September 19th, just days after I found out that I was pregnant, on the Catholic Sistas website... a Catholic blog where I am a regular contributor. If you'd like to read it you can do so here: No Greater Love Than This. It published yesterday for all the world to read. At the same time I put out an email to family and friends about my pregnancy. I wanted to give people the time and space to deal with the news in whatever way they needed before contacting us. It was to help protect both them and us emotionally. I linked up my story at the Catholic Sistas website so that if they wanted to read further they could.
Next I posted the link on my Facebook account and to the groups I belong to there. I decided that I wanted everyone to know our story and that the more people who know, the more people to possibly be praying for our family. I was not disappointed in the number of prayers that people offered for us and for our baby! To say I felt a certain peace is an understatement.
I can say that I was disappointed that more of our family did not respond at all. I know that they are taking in the news and trying to process it but to be honest my feelings were hurt to not have that "we are praying for you" from some of those that are closest to us. I'm trying not to let that bother me but even though I try, it still does. I suppose that, even at 40 year old, I still want and need that affirmation from those I love. To know that they support us in our decisions is huge. However, I have to say that the few family members that did contact us absolutely helped us through a difficult day. Their acceptance and prayers for us mean more than I could ever tell them. I'm praying that the rest will find their way to believing in us and our decision to allow God to guide our lives.
It's always uncomfortable for me to announce a pregnancy. Not because we aren't happy but because we know we will face certain judgments but also because I truly hate to be in the spotlight. I dislike people talking about us or fawning over us. I hate to be the topic of conversation and often try to direct the talk to something different. I'm just not comfortable with talking about me or having others focus on our family. This time, though, I truly felt led to allow that focus to be on us, on me. I feel like we have been presented with this situation because God trusts us to spread His love and His desires to others. The sanctity of life has always been a huge passion of mine. Here I have an opportunity to put my faith into action. God is amazing with His ways!
I fail so very often in my life... my life as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend and as a follower of Christ. I fail over and over again. Still, God continues to trust me, to forgive me, and to give me opportunities to succeed. I can only hope that I will succeed in my efforts to proclaim the sanctity of all life now in this trial. I know that I am going to have to depend fully on Him. The prayers that we are receiving will help me stay focused on what God is calling us to do. I pray that He works through this pregnancy to bring others to Him and to understand the importance of all life.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Ups and Downs
Today was a day of ups and downs. I saw a new perinatologist today. I like him. He had been highly recommended for many years but I had just continued to go to the one I had seen before. Afterall, the previous doctor knew about Porphyria, a disease I suffer from, and that was a rarity. I hated to leave him because of this fact. But, he had a way of saying inappropriate things and while I loved his staff I thought it might be time to change.
I had gone to another perinatologist for my first appointment and really loved him but unfortunately there was going to be insurance issues. This doctor I saw today was one that Lynn had suggested to me for years so I have him a try. I wasn't disappointed. He was very thorough, and what he didn't know about he said he would research. He was engaging and kind and seemed like he was truly interested in what was going on in my world. He also didn't try to scare me. I appreciated that so much.
At my appointment today I had an ultrasound. Our little baby was sitting snuggly inside. At first he/she seemed to be dancing! It was fun to watch as she took measurements of everything else. As she focused on the baby he/she settled down and let her get all the measurements she needed. We even saw the baby sucking it's thumb! Precious couldn't describe it! I cried the entire way through the ultrasound. I just can't get over the fact that this little baby is doing well inside of my damaged uterus.... a uterus that shouldn't be able to hold another baby ever and yet here one grows! It's very humbling to say the least.
Everything looked absolutely perfect on the baby. The heartrate was 154. To watch that tiny heart just beating away is amazing. We had the nuchal fold test done and that was perfect as well. The heart structures at this point look great and we'll see more next time. For the moment this baby is doing so well. I can only pray that my body will do it's job and hold this little one safely. It would crush me if the only reason this baby lost it's life is because my body failed it. I'm trying to focus on the positive though and not think about those sorts of things.
The down part of the day was right before I walked out the door for my appointment. The mailman came and had a certified letter for me to sign. I had no clue what it could be. As I opened it I could see it was from my OB's office. It was an official letter telling me that they did not want to take me on through this pregnancy as I am too high risk. The letter told me that continuing on with this pregnancy "threatens your life and the life of your baby". My heart sank reading the words in the letter. I cried.
I immediately called the office and asked for Lynn to call me back. We had just talked about me seeing one of the other doctors for a chance to stay there. I needed to know what she thought I should do... do I keep that appointment and try to plead my case or do I just try to find someone else? I didn't get a call back yet. My next appointment there will fall before the 30 days they have given me to find a new provider. I'm so lost. I have no idea what I am going to do.
Thankfully I received that letter before my appointment. I say this because while at my appointment and watching my tiny baby on the screen I knew that in the end if I have to find another OB that it will be ok. I prefer to stay with Lynn but if I can't then we'll find someone else. The most important thing to keep my eye on is the end result... that both my baby and I are safe. If we have to insure that elsewhere then I trust God to lead us to someone who can provide the care we need and deserve. It's just so frustrating at times, especially given all that we've gone through.
I have prayed hundreds and hundreds of prayers this pregnancy... prayers for my baby's safety, prayers for my safety, prayers for my family, prayers for the right providers, prayers to be pregnant just one more day, prayers of thanks for this opportunity to carry God's most precious gift. Today I pray that I can accept all that goes on during this pregnancy and that I can trust God to lead us to those who we need in our lives to insure the safety of our baby and of myself. I have told God over and over again that I will give my life no questions asked for this child but I have also prayed that if it is His will that He allows us both to make it through this pregnancy. Above all, I pray for God's will in my life. I know He has us firmly in His hands. I just need to remember to trust Him completely and know that regardless of what happens with doctors, with family and friends when we announce this pregnancy, and ultimately what happens with our survival that God is in control, just as He should be.
I had gone to another perinatologist for my first appointment and really loved him but unfortunately there was going to be insurance issues. This doctor I saw today was one that Lynn had suggested to me for years so I have him a try. I wasn't disappointed. He was very thorough, and what he didn't know about he said he would research. He was engaging and kind and seemed like he was truly interested in what was going on in my world. He also didn't try to scare me. I appreciated that so much.
At my appointment today I had an ultrasound. Our little baby was sitting snuggly inside. At first he/she seemed to be dancing! It was fun to watch as she took measurements of everything else. As she focused on the baby he/she settled down and let her get all the measurements she needed. We even saw the baby sucking it's thumb! Precious couldn't describe it! I cried the entire way through the ultrasound. I just can't get over the fact that this little baby is doing well inside of my damaged uterus.... a uterus that shouldn't be able to hold another baby ever and yet here one grows! It's very humbling to say the least.
Everything looked absolutely perfect on the baby. The heartrate was 154. To watch that tiny heart just beating away is amazing. We had the nuchal fold test done and that was perfect as well. The heart structures at this point look great and we'll see more next time. For the moment this baby is doing so well. I can only pray that my body will do it's job and hold this little one safely. It would crush me if the only reason this baby lost it's life is because my body failed it. I'm trying to focus on the positive though and not think about those sorts of things.
The down part of the day was right before I walked out the door for my appointment. The mailman came and had a certified letter for me to sign. I had no clue what it could be. As I opened it I could see it was from my OB's office. It was an official letter telling me that they did not want to take me on through this pregnancy as I am too high risk. The letter told me that continuing on with this pregnancy "threatens your life and the life of your baby". My heart sank reading the words in the letter. I cried.
I immediately called the office and asked for Lynn to call me back. We had just talked about me seeing one of the other doctors for a chance to stay there. I needed to know what she thought I should do... do I keep that appointment and try to plead my case or do I just try to find someone else? I didn't get a call back yet. My next appointment there will fall before the 30 days they have given me to find a new provider. I'm so lost. I have no idea what I am going to do.
Thankfully I received that letter before my appointment. I say this because while at my appointment and watching my tiny baby on the screen I knew that in the end if I have to find another OB that it will be ok. I prefer to stay with Lynn but if I can't then we'll find someone else. The most important thing to keep my eye on is the end result... that both my baby and I are safe. If we have to insure that elsewhere then I trust God to lead us to someone who can provide the care we need and deserve. It's just so frustrating at times, especially given all that we've gone through.
I have prayed hundreds and hundreds of prayers this pregnancy... prayers for my baby's safety, prayers for my safety, prayers for my family, prayers for the right providers, prayers to be pregnant just one more day, prayers of thanks for this opportunity to carry God's most precious gift. Today I pray that I can accept all that goes on during this pregnancy and that I can trust God to lead us to those who we need in our lives to insure the safety of our baby and of myself. I have told God over and over again that I will give my life no questions asked for this child but I have also prayed that if it is His will that He allows us both to make it through this pregnancy. Above all, I pray for God's will in my life. I know He has us firmly in His hands. I just need to remember to trust Him completely and know that regardless of what happens with doctors, with family and friends when we announce this pregnancy, and ultimately what happens with our survival that God is in control, just as He should be.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Worth It All
Today has been a bad day all the way around. I'm feeling very stressed and worried. I will be announcing this pregnancy soon and I am worried about the things people are going to be saying, both to our faces and behind our backs. I know people talk about our family already, even though our kids are amazing children and our family is very respectful of others. Still, we are an oddity, probably not as odd as most think as I'm sure there are other families out there with this many children, but to most we are the only family like this that they know.
Thinking about those comments has me worked up. My kids are feeding off of that and are wild and crazy right now. The extra noise, mess, and arguments are about to push me over the edge. I took a time out today for myself and just stayed away from everyone. I figured if they didn't see my anxious mood then they wouldn't feed off of it.
I was asked why I felt I need to announce my pregnancy and that is a good question. I guess really it's no one's business as to whether or not I'm pregnant now and the ins and outs of it all. Still, I feel like I need to live my faith proudly and my faith tells me that every life is sacred, every life needs to be celebrated, and every life needs to be protected. If I can help people understand that this pregnancy is that important to us not only as a family but as a faithful Catholic then I feel like I have to make that known.
If something happens to this baby I want to make sure that everyone knew this baby lived. That he/she was wanted and cherished and loved so much that I was willing to risk everything for him/her. If I don't make it through I want everyone to know why it was so important for me to try to bring this little one into the world. I want people to stop and look at their lives and their priorities and I want them to see how important even the tiniest life truly is. Ultimately, in this culture of death, I want this life to be seen as important, as special, as worth risking everything for.
I've been near tears all day long. I've let a few slide down my cheeks every now and again. I'm scared. I'm scared to be pregnant. I'm scared of what could happen. I'm scared to tell people and to face their criticism. But as I sat here thinking about all these things I felt a few little kicks. At that very moment those fears slipped away and I knew that regardless it is worth it all. I know I'll worry this entire pregnancy but if I focus on those little kicks, those tiny reminders of that beautiful little one growing inside of me, then I know I can get through this. I am so thankful to feel those movements. They are such a blessing and a concrete way for me to stay focused.
Thinking about those comments has me worked up. My kids are feeding off of that and are wild and crazy right now. The extra noise, mess, and arguments are about to push me over the edge. I took a time out today for myself and just stayed away from everyone. I figured if they didn't see my anxious mood then they wouldn't feed off of it.
I was asked why I felt I need to announce my pregnancy and that is a good question. I guess really it's no one's business as to whether or not I'm pregnant now and the ins and outs of it all. Still, I feel like I need to live my faith proudly and my faith tells me that every life is sacred, every life needs to be celebrated, and every life needs to be protected. If I can help people understand that this pregnancy is that important to us not only as a family but as a faithful Catholic then I feel like I have to make that known.
If something happens to this baby I want to make sure that everyone knew this baby lived. That he/she was wanted and cherished and loved so much that I was willing to risk everything for him/her. If I don't make it through I want everyone to know why it was so important for me to try to bring this little one into the world. I want people to stop and look at their lives and their priorities and I want them to see how important even the tiniest life truly is. Ultimately, in this culture of death, I want this life to be seen as important, as special, as worth risking everything for.
I've been near tears all day long. I've let a few slide down my cheeks every now and again. I'm scared. I'm scared to be pregnant. I'm scared of what could happen. I'm scared to tell people and to face their criticism. But as I sat here thinking about all these things I felt a few little kicks. At that very moment those fears slipped away and I knew that regardless it is worth it all. I know I'll worry this entire pregnancy but if I focus on those little kicks, those tiny reminders of that beautiful little one growing inside of me, then I know I can get through this. I am so thankful to feel those movements. They are such a blessing and a concrete way for me to stay focused.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
A Sigh of Relief
Today I had a regular OB appointment. I went to the place that originally told me that they thought I was too high risk to be seen there. I love the provider I made my appointment with. I hate to call her my provider since she really is my friend. She told me to schedule my next appointment with one of the other doctors who will hear me out and maybe think about seeing me through the pregnancy. I sure hope so since I love this practice so very much and they have become family to me over the years. They have delivered 7 of my 10 children so far. The only reason they didn't deliver Jake is that I wanted to try to have him vaginally and my Madison had been their last VBAC baby ever in their office. So, I had to find someone else to deliver Jake... if I had only known what was going to happen I never would have gone there. But, we can't go back so we have to look forward. I'm praying so hard that when I go back for my next appointment that the doctor I see will allow me to stay with them.
While Lynn was examining me she found that at 12 weeks I'm measuring at 20 weeks. Of course this wasn't a surprise since I have fibroids and now I have a Frankenuterus. I normally measure large and it's never worried me before but now I know that I can't have that extra stress on my uterus so that scares me some. I'm hoping that I don't run into problems sooner than expected.
Lynn couldn't hear the baby's heart beat but I expected that too. With my extra maternal fluff it makes it harder to hear. So, we got a quick ultrasound to check on the baby. We found the baby right away, wiggling around. The heart beat was a steady 158... perfect. It made me so happy to see.
I've been convinced since the moment I found out I am pregnant that this is a girl. The symptoms I'm having just really go along with many of the girls I've had and none of the boys. I've been wrong before, but only once. I know that whatever the sex of the baby that the baby will be the exact little boy or girl that we need in our lives. I know the boys will be a little disappointed if this is a girl. They are hoping we'll round out the numbers a bit. I know they are keeping their fingers crossed. I'm not sure what I'd do if we have another boy inside of me! We've never had boys one right after the other who have survived. We have big gaps of time between boys with lots of girls in between. It would be odd to have 2 boys so close together but I have a feeling that it would be so much fun too!
I worry though about being pregnant with another boy. Our boys just aren't as strong as our girls. I would worry more I think if I find out this is a boy baby. Still, I know it doesn't matter what the sex is, this baby will be the perfect addition to our family. God always knows just what we need when we need it and I know this baby, boy or girl, is going to be exactly what our family needs!
I'm breathing a sigh of relief to get to be pregnant for yet another day. I'm praying I get to be pregnant much, much longer and bring this little one safely into the world. I'm over the moon to feel the tiny movements that are already happening and beyond thrilled to know that a precious baby is growing under my heart. I truly am blessed more than I ever deserve!
While Lynn was examining me she found that at 12 weeks I'm measuring at 20 weeks. Of course this wasn't a surprise since I have fibroids and now I have a Frankenuterus. I normally measure large and it's never worried me before but now I know that I can't have that extra stress on my uterus so that scares me some. I'm hoping that I don't run into problems sooner than expected.
Lynn couldn't hear the baby's heart beat but I expected that too. With my extra maternal fluff it makes it harder to hear. So, we got a quick ultrasound to check on the baby. We found the baby right away, wiggling around. The heart beat was a steady 158... perfect. It made me so happy to see.
I've been convinced since the moment I found out I am pregnant that this is a girl. The symptoms I'm having just really go along with many of the girls I've had and none of the boys. I've been wrong before, but only once. I know that whatever the sex of the baby that the baby will be the exact little boy or girl that we need in our lives. I know the boys will be a little disappointed if this is a girl. They are hoping we'll round out the numbers a bit. I know they are keeping their fingers crossed. I'm not sure what I'd do if we have another boy inside of me! We've never had boys one right after the other who have survived. We have big gaps of time between boys with lots of girls in between. It would be odd to have 2 boys so close together but I have a feeling that it would be so much fun too!
I worry though about being pregnant with another boy. Our boys just aren't as strong as our girls. I would worry more I think if I find out this is a boy baby. Still, I know it doesn't matter what the sex is, this baby will be the perfect addition to our family. God always knows just what we need when we need it and I know this baby, boy or girl, is going to be exactly what our family needs!
I'm breathing a sigh of relief to get to be pregnant for yet another day. I'm praying I get to be pregnant much, much longer and bring this little one safely into the world. I'm over the moon to feel the tiny movements that are already happening and beyond thrilled to know that a precious baby is growing under my heart. I truly am blessed more than I ever deserve!
Friday, November 2, 2012
I Can Breathe Again!
It was a long morning at the doctor's office today. They were so far behind after a flood in their offices. The doctors were unable to consult with patients in their offices so they had to use exam rooms. This made it so that all of the patients waiting to be seen had less rooms in which to be examined. After 2 hours of waiting it was finally my time to consult with the doctor and hopefully get some answers.
I was rather upset with the doctor by the end of my appointment. She was a new OB for me and thus we had to go over my history. At the end of our interview she asked if I had any concerns. I told her about my experiences yesterday and through the night. Even after hearing my whole history and what I was experiencing it seemed like she was unconcerned. I thought for sure she's at least try to listen for the baby's heartbeat. Instead she said we'd schedule an appointment for next week. It took everything in me not to cry out.
As we were leaving the exam room she stopped me and said, "You know, we should listen for fetal heart tones." I told her I thought that was an excellent idea. We went back into the room and she listened for the baby. At 11 weeks 2 days it's iffy if you will hear the baby's heartbeat via a doppler, especially when you are overweight like I am. She was unable to find the baby's heartbeat. She decided that we would look with the ultrasound machine. She turned it on and pressed the wand to my belly. She looked and looked and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. I closed my eyes and prayed. In the background there was music playing as she was searching. The office has the music set to a spa station on sirius radio. During the time she was listening for the baby's heart the song Ave Maria was playing! I found so much peace in the fact that I was not alone in that room. I know that God had me in His arms and that Mary was there holding my hand too. Of course when we still couldn't find the baby's heartbeat I truly began to worry even knowing I had such strength holding me up.
The doctor decided to get one of the ultrasound technicians to come and try to find the baby's heartbeat. It was a long wait for them to come back in the room. All I could do was pray and tell God that I trusted Him. They finally came into the room.
The tech put the wand on my belly, swished it around a couple of times and found our little one with no problem. She said, "Oh goodness! Look at it just flipping around in there!" The baby was very active and we could see little arms and little legs moving. I began to cry. I couldn't stop. I can't tell you the relief I felt at that very moment. The doctor came over to me and held my hand and told me it was ok. I know she felt bad for not being able to find the baby's heartbeat by either doppler or ultrasound and how it caused me so much fear and stress. She was so caring and kind to me. I appreciated it so much. The tech measured the baby's heart rate, it was 157... absolutely perfect.
I was rather upset with the doctor by the end of my appointment. She was a new OB for me and thus we had to go over my history. At the end of our interview she asked if I had any concerns. I told her about my experiences yesterday and through the night. Even after hearing my whole history and what I was experiencing it seemed like she was unconcerned. I thought for sure she's at least try to listen for the baby's heartbeat. Instead she said we'd schedule an appointment for next week. It took everything in me not to cry out.
As we were leaving the exam room she stopped me and said, "You know, we should listen for fetal heart tones." I told her I thought that was an excellent idea. We went back into the room and she listened for the baby. At 11 weeks 2 days it's iffy if you will hear the baby's heartbeat via a doppler, especially when you are overweight like I am. She was unable to find the baby's heartbeat. She decided that we would look with the ultrasound machine. She turned it on and pressed the wand to my belly. She looked and looked and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. I closed my eyes and prayed. In the background there was music playing as she was searching. The office has the music set to a spa station on sirius radio. During the time she was listening for the baby's heart the song Ave Maria was playing! I found so much peace in the fact that I was not alone in that room. I know that God had me in His arms and that Mary was there holding my hand too. Of course when we still couldn't find the baby's heartbeat I truly began to worry even knowing I had such strength holding me up.
The doctor decided to get one of the ultrasound technicians to come and try to find the baby's heartbeat. It was a long wait for them to come back in the room. All I could do was pray and tell God that I trusted Him. They finally came into the room.
The tech put the wand on my belly, swished it around a couple of times and found our little one with no problem. She said, "Oh goodness! Look at it just flipping around in there!" The baby was very active and we could see little arms and little legs moving. I began to cry. I couldn't stop. I can't tell you the relief I felt at that very moment. The doctor came over to me and held my hand and told me it was ok. I know she felt bad for not being able to find the baby's heartbeat by either doppler or ultrasound and how it caused me so much fear and stress. She was so caring and kind to me. I appreciated it so much. The tech measured the baby's heart rate, it was 157... absolutely perfect.
The doctor told me that because my uterus is so damaged that probably I will feel a lot more pain during my pregnancy. I am going to try not to get so scared every time it happens. I know that the further along I get in this pregnancy the more likely I am to have more intense pains. I know those can signify something going very wrong in my body. I'm not sure how I am going to get through it but I know I will.
God answered my prayers today. I am able to hold my tiny baby in me another day. I feel so blessed and so thankful. My heart is so full of love for this little one who grows inside of me. I thank God each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to bed for another day to be a part of this miracle of life. I can only hope that I am able to see this through. I can think of no greater joy than being able to hold this baby in my arms one day. I pray I am so lucky.
Worried
Tonight has been a bad night. I'm not sure what is going on but I'm in a lot of pain. I'm cramping and having some contractions. I have felt sick to my stomach (that is different from morning sickness) all day long. I had mentioned it to Mike earlier and he just laughed and said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" Unfortunately it wasn't the regular run-of-the-mill pregnancy sickness I have been feeling. It's very different.
I've tried everything I know to do... I've been flooding my body with water in case I'm just dehydrated. I've been laying on my left side. I've taken a warm bath. I'm trying to calm my breathing and my nerves. Nothing is working. I feel very much like I did all day the day I lost William. I'm worried that I am going to go into full blown labor like I did with him. I'm scared out of my mind.
I'm going to lay in the bed and pray. Either it will help calm my nerves or it will help put me to sleep but either way I know that praying always helps me. I have a feeling if I am so lucky as to not lose this baby that my rosary will take up a permanent place in my hands.
I don't want to lose this baby. I have an appointment in the morning so I'm praying that they will be able to tell me something, anything. I'm praying that when we look at the baby I'll still see a beating heart. I'm desperate to see my little one. I need to know that he/she is ok. The reality of possibly losing this little one is almost too much to bear but it's a probability that I've known could exist from the start. I just don't want to experience the loss of my last baby. How will my heart survive if there's no heartbeat? I think my own heart will stop beating too.
I've tried everything I know to do... I've been flooding my body with water in case I'm just dehydrated. I've been laying on my left side. I've taken a warm bath. I'm trying to calm my breathing and my nerves. Nothing is working. I feel very much like I did all day the day I lost William. I'm worried that I am going to go into full blown labor like I did with him. I'm scared out of my mind.
I'm going to lay in the bed and pray. Either it will help calm my nerves or it will help put me to sleep but either way I know that praying always helps me. I have a feeling if I am so lucky as to not lose this baby that my rosary will take up a permanent place in my hands.
I don't want to lose this baby. I have an appointment in the morning so I'm praying that they will be able to tell me something, anything. I'm praying that when we look at the baby I'll still see a beating heart. I'm desperate to see my little one. I need to know that he/she is ok. The reality of possibly losing this little one is almost too much to bear but it's a probability that I've known could exist from the start. I just don't want to experience the loss of my last baby. How will my heart survive if there's no heartbeat? I think my own heart will stop beating too.
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